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5obn Bull, junior 



MAX O'RELL 

John Bull Junior 



OR 



FRENCH AS SHE IS TRADUCED 



BY THE AUTHOR OF 

" JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND," ETC. 
WITH A PREFACE BY 

GEORGE C. EGGLESTON 



MA?. '6 1881 






CASSELL & COMPANY, Limited 

104 & 106 Fourth Avenue, New York 



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Copyright, 

1888, 

By O. M. DUNHAM. 



All rights reserved. 



Press W. L. Mershon 8c Co., 
Rahway, N. J. 



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PREFACE. 



It must be that a too free association with American men 
of letters has moved the author of this book to add to his 
fine Gallic wit a touch of that preposterousness which is 
supposed to be characteristic of American humor. 

For proof of this, I cite the fact that he has asked me to 

introduce him upon this occasion. Surely there could be no 

more grotesque idea than that any word of mine can serve 

to make Max O'Rell better known than he is to the great 

<y company of American readers. 

Have not the pirate publishers already introduced him 
to all Americans who care for literature ? Have not their 
translators done their best, not only to bring his writings 
to the attention of readers, but also to add to the sparkle 
and vivacity of his books by translating into them many 
things not to be found in the French originals ? These 
generous folk, who have thus liberally supplemented his wit 
with flashes of their own stupidity, have treated his text 
\ after the manner of a celebrated Kentuckian of whom it 

was written that his love of truth was so great that he gave 
his entire time and attention to the task of ornamenting 
and adding to it. 

But with all their eagerness to render interested service 
to a distinguished man of letters who was not then here to 
look after his own affairs, the pirates missed this, the best 



PREFACE. 

of his books ; and finding that no surreptitious edition of it 
has appeared in this country, the author has felt himself 
privileged to re-write it and make such changes in it and 
additions to it as his own judgment has suggested without 
the prompting of voluntary assistants, and even to negotiate 
With a publisher for the issue of an edition on his own 
account. 

I have called this work the best of Max O'Rell's books, 
and I think the reader will approve the judgment. Here, 
as in all that this author has written, there is a biting wit, 
which saturates the serious substance as good, sharp vine- 
gar pervades a pickle ; but here, as elsewhere, the main 
purpose is earnest, and the wit is but an aid to its accom- 
plishment. A very wise and distinguished educator has 
declared that ''the whole theory of education is to be 
extracted from these humorous sketches," and the story 
goes — whether Max O'Rell will vouch for its accuracy or 
not, I do not venture to say — that the head boy of St. 
Paul's School in London, after hearing the sketches read 
in public, said: "We boys enjoyed the lecture im- 
mensely, but that fellow knows too winch about us" 

With a tremor of apprehension, we reflect that Max 
O'Rell's period of observation among ourselves will pres- 
ently end, aad that when he comes to record the result in 
his peculiar fashion, we are likely to echo that school-boy's 
plaint. But at any rate we shall know our own features 
better after we have contemplated them in his mirror ; and, 
meantime, those of us who have enjoyed his acquaintance 
are disposed earnestly to hope that a guest whom we have 
learned to esteem so warmly may not think quite so ill of 
the American character as the barbaric condition of our 
laws respecting literary property would warrant. 

George Cary Eggleston. 

New York, February, 1888. 



INTRODUCTION. 



A Word to the Reader and another to the Critic. 

To write a book in a foreign tongue is risky, and I had 
better at once ask for indulgence. 

The many scenes and reminiscences belong to England, 
and, if translated into French, the anecdotes and conversa- 
tions would lose much of whatever flavour and interest 
there may be in them. 

This is my reason for not having written this book 
in French. Let my reason be also my apology. 



If any of my readers should feel inclined to think my 
review of British school-boys somewhat critical, let them 
take it for granted that when I was a boy I was everything 
that was good. 



Now, gentle American Critic, whose magnanimity is 
proverbial, before thou abusest this little book, reflect how 
thou wouldst feel if thy Editor were to bid thee write thy 
criticism in French. 

Max O'Rell. 



Contents'. 






Preface, . ' . 

Introduction, ...... 

I am Born. — I am Deeply in Love. — I wish to be an Artist, 
but my Father uses strong Argument against it. — I pro- 
duce a dramatic Chef-d'oeuvre. — Parisian Managers fail 
to appreciate it. — I put on a beautiful Uniform. — The 
Consequence of it. — Two Episodes of the Franco- 
Prussian War. — The Commune explained by a Com- 
munist. — A " glorious " Career cut short. — I take a Reso- 
lution and a Ticket for London, . . . . i 

II. 

EXTRACTS FROM THE DIARY OF A FRENCHMAN IN 
SEARCH OF A SOCIAL POSITION IN ENGLAND. 

Arrival at Charing Cross. — I have Nothing to declare to the 
Exciseman but Low Spirits. — Difficulty in finding a 
comfortable Residence. — Board and Lodging. — A House 
with Creepers. — Things look Bad. — Things look Worse. 
— Things look cheerful, . . . . .15 

III. 

I make the acquaintance of Public School Boys. — " When I 
was a little Boy." — An Awful Moment. — A Simple 
Theory. — I score a Success, . . . » 34 



iv Contents. 



IV. 



The genus Boy. — The only one I object to. — What Boys 
work for, . . . . . . .38 



Schoolboys I have met. — Promising Britons. — Sly Boots. — 
Too Good for this World. — " No, thanks, we makes it." 
— French Dictionaries. — A Naughty Boy. — Mothers' 
Pets.— Dirty, but Beautiful.— John Bully.— High Collars 
and Brains. — Dictation and its Trials. — Not to be taken 
in. — Unlucky Boys. — The Use of Two Ears. — A Boy 
with One Idea. — Master Whirligig. — The Influence of 
Athletics. — A Good Situation. — A Shrewd Boy of Busi- 
ness. — Master Algernon Cadwaladr Smyth and other 
Typical Schoolboys, . . . . .40 

VI. 

French as she is Traduced. — More Grumblings. — "La 
Critique " is not the Critic's Wife. — Bossuet's Prose, and 
how it reads in English. — Nothing improves by Transla- 
tion except a Bishop. — A Few French " Howlers." — 
Valuable Hints on translating Unseen Passages, . 72 

VII. 

English Boys on French Etymologies. — Why "Silence" is 
the only French Noun ending in "ence" that is of the 
Masculine Gender. — A Valuable Service rendered by the 
Author to his Land of Adoption. — Learned Etymolo- 
gies. — Return to old Philological Methods. — Remarkable 
Questions. — Written and Oral Examinations. — A Kind 
Examiner. — How long would it take the Moon to Fall 
to the Earth ? — How many Yards of Cloth it takes to 
cover an Ass, . . . . . .80 

VIII. 

English Boys on French Composition. — " Go ahead " is not 
in French " Allez une Tete." — How Boys set about French 
Composition. — A Written Proof of their Guilt. — How 
Large Advertisements can help them. — A Stumbling- 
Block cleared away, . . . . .90 



Contents. 



IX. 

Suggestions and Hints for the Class Room. — Boys on 
History and Geography. — "Maxims" and "Wise 
Thoughts." — Advice to those about to Teach. — "Sir," 
and not " Mossoo." — " Frauleins " and " Mademoiselles." 
— Check your Love for Boys. — No Credit. — We are all 
liable ot make Mistakes. — I get an insight into " Stocks," 95 

X. 

English Boys' Patriotism put to a Severe Test. — Their 
Opinion of French Victories. — King Louis VI. of France 
and the English Soldier at the Battle of Brenneville. — 
An English Boy on French Wrestling. — Young Tory 
Democrats. — " Imperium et Libertas." — A Patriotic An- 
swer. — Duck and Drake, . . . , .110 

* XI. 

Cricket. — I have an Unsuccessful Try at it. — Boys' Opinion 
of my Athletic Qualities. — French and English Athletes. 
— Feats of Skill and Strength versus Feats of Endurance 
and Brute Force. — A Case of Eviction by Force of Arms, 116 

XII. 

Old Pupils. — Acquaintances renewed. — Lively Recollec- 
tions revived. — It is easier to Teach French than to 
Learn it. — A Testimonial refused to a French Master. — 
" How de do ? " — " That's What-d'ye-call-him, the 
French Master," . . . . .121 

XIII. 

Debating Societies. — A Discussion on the Pernicious Use 
of Tobacco. — School Magazines in France and England. 
— A Business-like Little Briton. — An Important Resolu- 
tion passed unanimously. — I perform an Englishman's 
Duty, . . . . . . .125 



Contents. 



XIV. 

Home, sweet Home ! — Boys' Opinion of the Seaside. — 
French and English Beaches. — Who is he at Home ? 
What was his Grandfather ? — Remarks on Swaggering. 
— " I thought he was a Gentleman," . . . 128 

XV. 

He can not speak French, but he can read it, you know. — 
He has a try at it in Paris. — Nasal Sounds and accented 
Syllables. — How I reduced English Words to single 
Syllables, and was successful in the Object I had in View. 
— A Remark on the Connection of Words, . . 133 

XVI. 

Public School Scholarships and Exhibitions. — Grateful 
Parents. — Inquiring Mothers. — A Dear Little Candidate. 
— Ladies' Testimonials. — A Science Master well recom- 
mended, . . . . , 138 

XVII. 

The Origin of Anglomania and Anglophobia in England. — 
A Typical Frenchman. — Too much of an Englishman. — 
A remarkable French Master. — John Bull made to go to 
Church by a Frenchman. — A Noble and Thankless 
Career. — A Place of Learning. — Mons. and Esquire. — 
All Ladies and Gentlemen. — One Exception. — Wonder- 
ful Addresses, ...... 148 

XVIII. 

The Way to Learn Modern Languages, . . . 158 

XIX. 

English and French Schoolboys. — Their Characteristics. — 
The Qualities of the English Schoolboy. — What is 
required of a Master to Win, .... 165 

Appendix, . ..... 169 



yohn Bull, jfr. 



I. 



I am Born. — I am Deeply in Love. — i wish to be an 
Artiste, but my Father uses Strong Argument 
against it. — I Produce a Dramatic Chef-d'ozuvre. 
— Parisian Managers Fail to Appreciate it. — I put 
on a Beautiful Uniform. — The Consequence of it. 
— Two Episodes of the Franco-Prussian War — 
The Commune Explained by a Communist. — A 
'• Glorious " Career Cut Short. — I take a Resolu- 
tion, and a Ticket to London. 

I was born on the 



But this is scarcely a " recollection " of mine. 






At twelve I was deeply in love with a little girl 
of my own age. Our servants were friends, and 
it was in occasional meetings of these girls in the 
public gardens of my little native town that my 
chief chance of making love to Marie lay. 
Looking back on this little episode in my life, I 
am inclined to think that it afforded much 
amusement to our attendants. My love was too 



2 John Bull, Jr. 

deep for words ; I never declared my flame 
•aloud. But, oh, what a fluttering went on under 
my small waistcoat every time I had the ineffable 
pleasure of a nod from her, and what volumes 
of love I put into my bow as I lifted my cap and 
returned her salute ! We made our first com- 
munion on the same day. I was a pupil of the 
organist, and it was arranged that I should play 
a short piece during the Offertory on that occa- 
sion. I had readily acquiesced in the proposal. 
Here was my chance of declaring myself ; 
through the medium of the music I could tell 
her all my lips refused to utter. She must be 
moved, she surely would understand. 

Whether she did or not, I never had the bliss 
of knowing. Shortly after that memorable day, 
my parents removed from the country to Paris. 
The thought of seeing her no more nearly broke 
my heart, and when the stage-coach reached the 
top of the last hill from which the town could be 
seen, my pent-up feelings gave way and a flood 
of tears came to my relief. 

The last time I visited those haunts of my 
childhood, I heard that " little Marie " was the 
mamma of eight children. God bless that 
mamma and her dear little brood ! 

At fifteen I was passionately fond of music, 



John Bull, Jr. 3 

and declared to my father that I had made up 
my mind to be an artiste. 

My father was a man of great common sense 
and few words : he administered to me a sound 
thrashing, which had the desired effect of restor- 
ing my attentions to Cicero and Thucydides. 

It did not, however, altogether cure me of a 
certain yearning after literary glory. 

For many months I devoted the leisure, left 
me by Greek version and Latin verse, to the 
production of a drama in five acts and twelve 
tableaux. 

For that matter I was no exception to the rule. 
Every French school-boy has written, is writing, 
or will write a play. 

My drama was a highly moral one of the 
sensational class. Blood-curdling, horrible, terri- 
ble, savage, weird, human, fiendish, fascinating, 
irresistible — it was all that. I showed how, even 
in this world, crime, treachery, and falsehood, 
though triumphant for a time, must in the long 
run have their day of reckoning. Never did a 
modern Drury Lane audience see virtue more 
triumphant and vice more utterly confounded 
than the Parisians would have in my play, if 
only the theatrical directors had not been so 
stupid as to refuse my chef-d'oeuvre*. 



4 John Bull, Jr. 

For it was refused, inconceivable as it seemed 
to me at the time. 

The directors of French theatres are accus- 
tomed to send criticisms of the plays which 
" they regret to be unable to accept.'* 

The criticism I received from the director of 
the Ambigu Theatre was, I thought, highly en- 
couraging. 

"My play," it appeared, " showed no expe- 
rience of the stage ; but it was full of well-con- 
ceived scenes and happy mots, and was written 
in excellent French. Horrors, however, were 
too piled up, and I seemed to have forgotten 
that spectators should be allowed time to take 
breath and wipe away their tears." 

I was finally advised not to kill all my dramatis 
persona in my next dramatic production, as it 
was customary for one of them to come forward 
and announce the name of the author at the end 
of the first performance. 

Although this little bit of advice appeared to 
me not altogether free from satire, there was in 
the letter more praise than I had expected, and 
I felt proud and happy. The letter was passed 
round in the class-room, commented upon in 
the playground, and I was so excited that I 
can perfectly well remember how I forgot to 
learn my repetition that day, and how I got 
forty lines of the Ars Poetica to write out five 
times. 



John Bull, Jr. 5 

What a take-down, this imposition upon a 
budding dramatic author ! 



Examinations to prepare compelled me for 
some time to postpone all idea of astonishing the 
Paris playgoers with a " new and original " 
drama. 

I took my B.A. at the end of that year, and 
my B.Sc. at the end of the following one. Three 
years later I was leaving the military school with 
the rank of sub-lieutenant. 

My uniform was lovely ; and if I had only had 
as much gold in my pockets as on my shoulders, 
sleeves, and breast, I think I ought to have been 
the happiest being on earth. 

The proudest day of a young French officer's 
life is the day on which he goes out in the street 
for the first time with all his ironmongery on, 
his moustache curled up, his cap on his right ear, 
his sabre in his left hand. The soldiers he 
meets salute him, the ladies seem to smile ap- 
provingly upon him ; he feels like the conquer- 
ing hero of the day ; all is bright before him ; 
battles only suggest to him victories and pro- 
motions. 

On the first day, his mother generally asks to 
accompany him, and takes his arm. Which is 
the prouder of the two ? the young warrior, full 



6 John Bully Jr. 

of confidence and hope, or the dear old lady 
who looks at the passers-by with an air that 
says : " This is my son, ladies and gentlemen. 
As for you, young ladies, he can't have all of 
you, you know." 

Poor young officer ! dear old mother ! They 
little knew, in 1869, that in a few months 
one would be lying in a military hospital on a 
bed of torture, and the other would be wonder- 
ing for five mortal months whether her dear and 
only child was dead, or prisoner in some German 
fortress. 

* * 

On the 19th of July, 1870, my regiment left 
Versailles for the Eastern frontier. 

As in these pages I simply intend to say how 
I came to make the acquaintance of English 
school-boys, it would be out of place, if not some- 
what pretentious, to make use of my recollections 
of the Franco-Prussian War. 

Yet I cannot pass over two episodes of those 
troublous times. 

I was twelve years of age when I struck up a 
friendship with a young Pole, named Gajeski, 
who was in the same class with me. We became 
inseparable chums. Year after year we got pro- 
moted at the same time. We took our degrees 






John Bull, Jr, 7 

on the same days, entered the military school in 
the same year, and received our commissions in 
the same regiment. 

We took a small appartement de garcon at 
Versailles, and I shall never forget the delightful 
evenings we spent together while in garrison 
there. He was a splendid violinist, and I was a 
little of a pianist. 

Short, fair, and almost beardless, Gajeski was 
called the "Petit Lieutenant " by the soldiers, 
who all idolized him. 

At the battle of Worth, after holding our 
ground from nine in the morning till five in the 
evening, against masses of Prussian troops six 
times as numerous as our own, we were ordered 
to charge the enemy, with some other cavalry 
regiments, in order to protect the retreat of the 
bulk of the army. 

A glance at the hill opposite convinced us 
that we were ordered to go to certain death. 

My dear friend grasped my hand, as he said 
with a sad smile : " We shall be lucky if we get 
our bones out of this, old fellow." 

Down the hill we went like the wind, through 
a shower of bullets and mitraille. Two minutes 
later, about two-thirds of the regiment reached 
the opposite ascent. We were immediately en- 
gaged in a desperate hand-to-hand fight A scene 
of hellish confusion it was. But there, amidst the 
awful din of battle, I heard Gajeski's death-cry, as 



8 John Bull, Jr. 

he fell from his horse three or four yards from me, 
and I saw a horrible gash on his fair young head. 

The poor boy had paid France for the hos- 
pitality she had extended to his father. 

I fought like a madman, seeing nothing but 
that dear mutilated face before my eyes. I say 
" like a madman," for it was not through courage 
or bravery. In a melee you fight like a madman — 
like a savage. 

I had no brother, but he had been more than a 

brother to me. I had had no other companion 

or friend, but he was a friend of a thousand. 

Poor fellow ! # 

* * 

I had been in captivity in a stronghold on the 
Rhine for five months, when the preliminaries of 
peace were signed between France and Germany 
in January, 1871, and the French prisoners 
were sent back to their country. 

About five hundred of us were embarked at 
Hamburg on board one of the steamers of the 
Compagnie Transatlantique, and landed at Cher- 
bourg. 

Finding myself near home, I immediately 
asked the general in command of the district for 
a few days' leave, to go and see my mother. 

Since the day I had been taken prisoner at 
Sedan (2d of September, 1870), I had not re- 
ceived a single letter from her, as communica- 
tions were cut off between the east and the west 






John Bull, Jr. 9 

of France ; and I learned later on that she had 
not received any of the numerous letters I had 
written to her from Germany. 

This part of Normandy had been fortunate 
enough to escape the horrors of war, but, for 
months, the inhabitants had had to lodge sol- 
diers and militia-men. 

At five o'clock on a cold February morning, 
clothed, or rather covered, in my dirty, half- 
ragged uniform, I rang the bell at my mother's 
house. 

Our old servant appeared at the attic window, 
and inquired what I wanted. 

" Open the door," I cried ; " I am dying of 
cold." 

"We can't lodge you here/' she replied ; "we 
have as many soldiers as we can accommodate — 
there is no room for you. Go to the Town Hall, 
they will tell you we are full." 

" Sapristi, my good Fanchette," I shouted, 
" don't you know me ? How is mother ? " 

" Ah ! It is Monsieur ! " she screamed. And 
she rushed down, filling the house with her cries : 
" Madame, madame, it is Monsieur ; yes, I have 
seen him, he has spoken to me, it is Monsieur." 

A minute after I was in my mother's arms. 

Was it a dream ? 

She looked at me wildly, touching my head to 
make sure I was at her side, in reality, alive ; 
when she realized the truth she burst into tears, 



io John Bully Jr. 

and remained speechless for some time. Such 
scenes are more easily imagined than described, 
and I would rather leave it to the. reader to sup- 
ply all the exclamations and interrogations that 
followed. 

* * 

I could only spend two days at home, as my 
regiment was being organized in Paris, and I had 
to join it. 

On the 18th of March, 187 1, the people of 
Paris, in possession of all the armament that had 
been placed in their hands to defend the French 
capital against the Prussians, proclaimed the 
Commune, and, probably out of a habit just 
lately got into by the French army, we retreated 
to Versailles, leaving Paris at the mercy of the 
Revolutionists. 

This is not the place to account for this revo- 
lution. 

An explanation of it, which always struck me 
as somewhat forcible, is the one given by a Com- 
munist prisoner to a captain, a friend of mine, 
who was at the time acting as juge d' instruction 
to one of the Versailles courts-martial. 

" Why did you join the Commune?" he asked 
a young and intelligent-looking fellow who had 
been taken prisoner behind some barricade. 

" Well, captain, I can hardly tell you. We 
were very excited in Paris ; in fact, off our heads 



John JBull, Jr. 1 1 

with rage at having been unable to save Paris. 
We had a considerable number of cannon and 
ammunition, which we were not allowed to use 
against the Prussians. We felt like a sportsman 
who, after a whole day's wandering through the 
country, has not had an opportunity of discharg- 
ing his gun at any game, and who, out of spite, 
shoots his dog, just to be able to say on return- 
ing home that he had killed something." 

On the 14th of April, 187 1, my regiment re- 
ceived the order to attack the Neuilly bridge, a 
formidable position held by the Communists. 

What the Prussians had not done some com- 
patriot of mine succeeded in doing. I fell se- 
verely wounded. 

After my spending five months in the Ver- 
sailles military hospital, and three more at home 
in convalescence, the army surgeons declared 
that I should no longer be able to use my right 
arm for military purposes, and I was granted a 
lieutenant's pension, which would have been 
just sufficient to keep me in segars if I had been 
a smoker. 

But of this I do not complain. Poor France ! 
she had enough to pay ! 

At the end of the year of grace, 1871, my posi- 



12 John Bull, Jr. 

tion was very much like that of my beloved 
country : all seemed lost, fors I'honneur. 

Through my friends, however, I was soon 
offered a choice between two " social positions." 

The first was a colonel's commission in the 
Egyptian army (it seemed that the state of my 
right arm was no objection). 

I was to draw a very good salary. My friends 
in Cairo, however, warned me that salaries were 
not always paid very regularly, but sometimes 
allowed to run on till cash came into the Treas- 
ury. It was during the good times of Ismail 
Pacha. This made me a little suspicious that my 
salary might run on so fast that I should not be 
able to catch it. 

The other post offered me was that of London 
correspondent to an important Parisian news- 
paper. 

* * 

I had had enough of military "glory " by this 
time. Yet the prospect of an adventurous life is 
always more or less fascinating at twenty-three 
years of age. 

Being the only child of a good widowed 
mother, I thought I would take her valuable 
advice on the subject. 

I am fortunate in having a mother full of 
common sense. With her French provincial 
ideas, she was rather startled to hear that a dis- 



John Bull, Jr. 13 

abled lieutenant could all at once become an 
active colonel. She thought that somehow the 
promotion was too rapid. 

Alas ! she, too, had had enough of military 
"glory." 

Her advice was to be followed, for it was 
formulated thus: "You speak English pretty 
well ; we have a good many friends in 
England ; accept the humbler offer, and go to 
England to earn an honest living." 

This is how I was not with Arabi Pacha on 
the wrong side at Tel-el-Kebir, and how it 
became my lot to make one day the acquaint- 
ance of the British school-boy of whom I shall 
have more to say by-and-by. 






On the 8th of July, 1872, I took the London 
train at the Gave du JVord, Paris. 

Many relations and friends came to the station 
to see me off. Some had been in England, some 
had read books on England, but all seemed to 
know a great deal about it. Advice, cautions, 
suggestions, were poured into my ears. 

"Be sure you go and see Madame Tussaud's 
to-morrow," said one. 

" Now," said another, "when you get to Char- 
ing Cross, don't fail to try and catch hold of a 



1 4 John Bully Jr. 

-fellow-passenger's coat, and hold fast till you 
get to your hotel. The fog is so thick in the 
evening that the lamp-lights are of no use, you 
know." 

All information is valuable when you start for 
a foreign country. But I could not listen to 
more. Time was up. 

I shook hands with my friends and kissed my 
relations, including an uncle and two cousins of 
the sterner sex. This will sound strange to 
English or American ears. Well, it sounds just 
as strange to mine, now. 

I do not know that a long residence in Eng- 
land has greatly improved me (though my 
English friends say it has), but what I do know 
is, that I could not now kiss a man, even if he 
were a bequeathing uncle ready to leave me all 
his money. 



John Bull, Jr. 15 



II. 



EXTRACTS FROM THE DIARY OF A FRENCHMAN 
IN SEARCH OF A SOCIAL POSITION IN ENGLAND. 

Arrival at Charing Cross. — I have Nothing to 
Declare to the Exciseman but Low Spirits. — Dif- 
ficulty in Finding a Good Residence. — Board and 
Lodging. — A House with Creepers. — Things look 
Bad. — Things look Worse. — Things look Cheer- 
ful. 

Zth July, 1872, 

8.30 p.m. — Landed at Folkestone. The Lon- 
don train is ready. The fog is very thick. I 
expected as much. My English traveling com- 
panions remark on it, and exclaim that " this is 
most unusual weather." This makes me smile. 

10.15 p.m. — The train crosses the Thames. 
We are in London. This is not my station, how- 
ever, I am told. The train restarts almost immedi- 
ately, and crosses the river again. Perhaps it 
takes me back to Paris. Hallo! how strange! 
the train crosses another river. 



1 6 John Bull, Jr. 

u This is a town very much like Amsterdam," 
I say to my neighbor. 

He explains to me the round taken by the 
South-Eastern trains from Cannon Street to 
Charing Cross. 

10.25 p. m. — Charing Cross! At last, here I 
am. The luggage is on the platform. I recog- 
nize my trunk and portmanteau. 

A tall official addresses me in a solemn tone : 

" Have you any thing to declare ? " 

"Not any thing." 

" No segars, tobacco, spirits ? " 

" No segars, no tobacco." 

My spirits were so low that I thought it was 
useless to mention them. 

In France, in spite of this declaration of 
mine, my luggage would have been turned inside 
out. The sturdy Briton takes my word* and 
dismisses my luggage with: 

" All right. Take it away." 

up. m. — I alight at an hotel near the Strand. 
A porter comes to take my belongings. 

"I want a bedroom for the night," I say. 

u ' Tres bien, monsieur '." 

He speaks French. The hotel is French, too, 
I see. 

* Things have changed in England since the dynamite 
scare. 



John Bull, Jr. 17 

After a wash and brush-up, I come down to 
the dining-room for a little supper. 

I do not like the look of the company. 

They may be French, and this is a testimo- 
nial in their favor, but I am afraid it is the only 
one. 

Three facetious bagmen exercise their wit by 
puzzling the waiter with low French slang. 

I think I will remove from here to-morrow. 

I go to my bedroom, and try to open the win- 
dow and have a look at the street. I discover 
the trick. 

How like guillotines are these English win- 
dows ! 

I pull up the bottom part of mine, and look 
out. This threatening thing about my neck 
makes me uncomfortable. I withdraw. 

English windows are useful, no doubt, but it is 
evident that the people of this country do not 
use them to look out in the street and have a 
quiet chat a la f ran guise. 

Probably the climate would not allow it. 






gth July, 1872. 

A friend comes to see me. He shares my 
opinion of the French hotel, and will look for a 



1 8 John Bull, Jr. 

comfortable apartment in an English house for 
me. We breakfast together, and I ask him a 
thousand questions. 

He knows every thing, it seems, and I gather 
valuable information rapidly. 

He prepares a programme of sight-seeing 
which it will take me a good many days to 
w r ork through. 

The weather is glorious. 

My boxes are packed and ready to be re- 
moved — to-night, I hope. 

Will pay my first visit to the British Museum. 

I hail a cab in Regent Circus. 

" Is the British Museum far from here ? " I cry 
to the man seated on a box behind. 

" No, sir ; I will take you there for a shilling," 
he replies. 

" Oh ! thank you ; I think I will walk then." 

Cabby retires muttering a few sentences unin- 
telligible to me. Only one word constantly 
occurring in his harangue can I remember. 

I open my pocket-dictionary. 

Good heavens ! What have I said to the man ? 
What has he taken me for? Have I used words 
conveying to his mind any intention of mine to 
take his precious life ? Do I look ferocious ? 
Why did he repeatedly call me sanguwairef 
Must have this mystery cleared up. 



John Bully Jr. 1 9 

10th July, 1872. 

An English friend sets my mind at rest about 
the little event of yesterday. He informs me 
that the adjective in question carries no mean- 
ing. It is simply a word that the lower classes 
have to place before each substantive they use 
in order to be able to understand each other. 

* * 

11th July, 1872. 

Have taken apartments in the neighborhood 
of Baker Street. My landlady, qui f rise ses che- 
veux et la cinquantaine, enjoys the name of 
Tribble. She is a plump, tidy, and active-look- 
ing little woman. 

On the door there is a plate, with the inscrip- 
tion, 

" J. Tribble, General Agent." 

Mr. Tribble, it seems, is not very much en- 
gaged in business. 

At home he makes himself useful. 

It was this gentleman, more or less typical 
in London, whom I had in my mind's eye as 
I once wrote : 

" The English social failure of the male sex 
not unfrequently entitles himself General Agent : 
this is the last straw he clutches at ; if it should 
break, he sinks, and is heard of no more, unless 



20 John Bull y Jr. 

his wife come to the rescue, by setting up a 
lodging-house or a boarding-school for young 
ladies. There, once more in smooth water, he 
wields the blacking-brush, makes acquaintance 
with the knife-board, or gets in the provisions. 
In allowing himself to be kept by his wife, he 
feels he loses some dignity ; but if she should 
adopt any airs of superiority over him, he can 
always bring her to a sense of duty by beating 
her." 






12th July, 1872. 

Mr. Tribble helps -take up my trunks. On my 
way to bed my landlady informs me that her 
room adjoins mine, and if I need any thing in 
the night I have only to ask for it. 

This landlady will be a mother to me, I can 
see. 

The bed reminds me of a night I passed in a 
cemetery, during the Commune, sleeping on a 
gravestone. I turn and toss, unable to get any 
rest. 

Presently I had the misfortune to hit my el- 
bow against the mattress. 

A knock at the door. 

" Who is there ? " I cry. 

" Can I get you any thing, sir ? I hope you 



John Bull, Jr. 21 

are not ill," says a voice which I recognize as 
that of my landlady. 

" No, why ? " 

'' I thought you knocked, sir." 

" No. Oh ! I knocked my elbow against the 
mattress." 

" Ah ! that's it. I beg your pardon." 

I shall be well attended here, at all events. 

* * 
i$th July, 1872. 

The table here is not recherche j but twelve 
months' campaigning have made me tolerably 
easy to please. 

What would not the poor Parisians have given, 
during the Siege in 1870, for some of Mrs. Trib- 
ble's obdurate poultry and steaks ! 

iqth July, 1872. 

I ask Mrs. Tribble for my bill. 
I received it immediately ; it is a short and 
comprehensive one : 

£ s. d. 

Board and Lodging - 5 5 o 
Sundries - - - 1 13 6 

Total - ^6 18 6 



22 John Bull y Jr. 

I can understand "lodging"; but "board" 
is a new word to me. I like to know what it is 
I have to pay for, and I open my dictionary. 

" Board (subst.), planche" 

Plane he I Why does the woman charge me 
for a planche ? Oh ! I have it — that's the bed, 
of course. 

My dictionary does not enlighten me on the 
subject of "Sundries. ,, 

I make a few observations to Mrs. Tribble on 
the week's bill. This lady explains to me that 
she has had great misfortunes, that Tribble 
hardly does any work, and does not contribute 
a penny toward the household expenses. When 
he has done a little stroke of business, he takes 
a. holiday, and only reappears when his purse is 
empty. 

I really cannot undertake to keep Tribble in 
dolce far niente, and I give Mrs. Tribble notice 
to leave. 

* * 

20th July, 1872. 

9 a.m. — I read in this morning's paper the fol- 
lowing advertisement : 

" Residence, with or without board, for a gen- 
tleman, in a healthy suburb of London. Charm- 
ing house, with creepers, large garden ; cheerful 
home. Use of piano, etc." 



John Bull, Jr. 23 

" Without board " is what I want. Must go 
and see the place. 

6 p.m. — I have seen the house with creepers, 
and engaged a bedroom and sitting-room. Will 
go there to-night. My bed is provided with a 
spring mattress. Won't I sleep to-night, that's 
all! 

* * 

21st July, 1872. 

I remove my goods and chattels from the 
charming house. I found the creepers were in- 
side. 

It will take me a long time to understand 
English, I am afraid. 



Zth August, 1872. 

I examine my financial position. I came to 
England with fifty pounds ; have been here 
thirty days, and have lived at the rate of a pound 
a day. My money will last me only twenty days 
longer. This seems to be a simple application 
of the rule of three. 

The thought that most Lord-Mayors have 
come to London with only half-a-crown in their 
pockets comforts me. Still I grow reflective. 



24 John Bull y Jr. 

2$th September \ 1872. 

I can see that the fee I receive for the weekly 
letter I send to my Parisian paper will not suf- 
fice to keep me. Good living is expensive in 
London. Why should I not reduce my expenses, 
and at the same time improve my English by 
teaching French in an English school as resident 
master ? This would enable me to wait and see 
what turn events will take. 

I have used my letters of recommendation as 
a means of obtaining introductions in society, 
and my pride will not let me make use of them 
again for business. 

I will disappear for a time. When my English 
is more reliable, perhaps an examination will 
open the door of some good berth to me. 

* * 

$rd October, 1872. 

Received this morning an invitation to be 
present at a meeting of the Teachers' Associa- 
tion. 

Came with a friend to the Society of Arts, 
where the meeting is held in a beautiful hall, 
and presided over by Canon Barry. 

What a graceful and witty speaker ! 

He addresses to private school masters a few 
words on their duty. 



John Bull, Jr. 25 

"Yours," he says, "is not only a profession, it 
is a vocation, I had almost said a ministry" 
(hear, hear), "and the last object of yours 
should be to make money." 

This last sentence is received with rapturous 
applause. The chairman has evidently ex- 
pressed the feeling of the audience. 

The Canon seems to enjoy himself immensely. 

Beautiful sentiments ! I say to myself. Who 
will henceforth dare say before me, in France, 
that England is not a disinterested nation ? Yes, 
I will be a schoolmaster ; it is a noble profes- 
sion. 

A discussion takes place on the merits of 
private schools. A good deal of abuse is in- 
dulged in at the expense of the public schools. 

I inquire of my friend the reason why. 

My friend is a sceptic. He says that the pub- 
lic schools are overflowing with boys, and that 
if they did not exist, many of these private 
school masters would make their fortune. 

I bid him hold his wicked tongue. He ought 
to be ashamed of himself. 

The meeting is over. The orators, with their 
speeches in their hands, besiege the press 
reporters' table. I again apply to my friend for 
the explanation of this. 

He tells me that these gentlemen are trying to 
persuade the reporters to insert their speeches 
in their notes, in the hope that they will be 



^6 John Bully Jr. 

reproduced in to-morrow's papers, and thus 
advertise their names and schools. 

My friend is incorrigible. I will ask him no 
more questions. 

* 

* * 

tfh October, 1872. 

There will be some people disappointed this 
morning, if I am to believe what my friend said 
yesterday. I have just read the papers. Under 
the heading " Meeting of the Teachers' Associa- 
tion, " I see along report of yesterday's proceed- 
ings at the Society of Arts. Canon Barry's 
speech alone is reproduced. 

* * 

24M May, 1873. 

For many months past, M. Thiers has carried 
the Government with his resignation already 
signed in his frockcoat pocket. 

" Gentlemen, " he has been wont to say in the 
Houses of Parliament, " such is my policy. If 
you do not approve it, you know that I do not 
cling to power; my resignation is here in my 
pocket, and I am quite ready to lay it on the 
table if you refuse me a vote of confidence." 



John Bull, Jr. 27 

I always thought that he would use this 
weapon once too often. 

A letter, just received from Paris, brings me 
the news of his overthrow and the proclamation 
of Marshal MacMahon as President of the 
Republic. 

2%th May, 1873. 

The editor of the French paper, of which I 
have been the London correspondent for a few 
months, sends me a check, with the sad intelli- 
gence that one of the first acts of the new Gov- 
ernment has been to suppress our paper. 

Things are taking a gloomy aspect, and no 
mistake. 

* * 

\2th June, 1873. 

To return to France at once would be a 
retreat, a defeat. I will not leave England, at 
any rate, before I can speak English correctly 
and fluently. I could manage this when a 
child ; it ought not to take me very long to be 
able to do the same now. 

I pore over the Times educational advertise- 
ments every day. 

Have left my name with two scholastic agents. 



28 John Bull, Jr. 

2$th June, 1873. 

I have put my project into execution, and 
engaged myself in a school in Somersetshire. 

The post is not a brilliant one, but I am told 
that the country is pretty, my duties light, and 
that I shall have plenty of time for reading. 

I buy a provision of English books, and mean 
to work hard. 

In the mean time, I write to my friends in 
France that I am getting on swimmingly. 

I have always been of the opinion that you 
should run the risk of exciting the envy rather 
than the pity of your friends, when you have 
made up your mind not to apply to them for a 
five-pound note. 

(M , Somerset.) 2d August, 1873. 

Arrived here yesterday. Find I am the only 
master, and expected to make myself generally 
useful. My object is to practice my English, and 
I am prepared to overlook many annoyances. 

Woke up this (Sunday) morning feeling pains 
all over. Compared to this, my bed at Mrs. 
Tribble's was one of roses. I look round. In 
the corner I # see a small washstand. A chair, a 
looking-glass six inches square hung on the 
wall, and my trunk, make up the furniture. 



John Bull, Jr. 29 

I open the window. It is raining a thick, 
drizzling rain. Not a soul in the road. A most 
solemn, awful solitude. Horrible ! I make 
haste to dress. From a little cottage, on the 
other side of the road, the plaintive sounds of 
a harmonium reach me. I sit on my bed and 
look at my watch. Half an hour to wait for my 
breakfast. The desolate room, this outlook from 
the window, the whole accompanied by the hymn 
on the harmonium, are enough to drive me mad. 
Upon my word, I believe I feel the corner of 
my eye wet. Cheer up, boy ! No doubt this is 
awful, but better times will come. Good heav- 
ens ! You are not banished from France. With 
what pleasure your friends will welcome you 
back in Paris ! In nine hours, for a few shillings, 
you can be on the Boulevards. 

Breakfast is ready. It consists of tea and 
bread and butter, the whole honored by the pres- 
ence of Mr. and Mrs. R. I am told that I am 
to take the boys to church. I should have much 
preferred to go alone. 

On the way to church we met three young 
ladies — the Squire's daughters, the boys tell me. 
They look at me with a kind of astonishment 
that seems to me mixed with scorn. This is 
probably my fancy. Every body I meet seems 
to be laughing at me. 



30 John Bull, Jr. 

20th August \ 1873. 

Am still at M., teaching a little French and 
learning a good deal of English. 

Mrs. R. expresses her admiration for my fine 
linen, and my wardrobe is a wonder to her. 
From her remarks, I can see she has taken a 
peep inside my trunk. 

Received this morning a letter from a friend 
in Paris. The dear fellow is very proud of his 
noble ancestors, and his notepaper and envelopes 
are ornamented with his crest and crown. The 
letter is handed to me by Mrs. R., who at the 
same time throws a significant glance at her hus- 
band. I am a mysterious person in her eyes, 
that is evident. She expresses her respect by 
discreetly placing a boiled egg on my plate at 
breakfast. This is an improvement, and I return 
thanks in petto to my noble friend in Paris. 

* 
* * 

22nd August, 1873. 

Whatever may be Mr. R.'s shortcomings, he 
knows how to construct a well-filled time-table. 

I rise at six. 

From half-past six to eight I am in the class- 
room seeing that the boys prepare their lessons. 

At eight I partake of a frugal breakfast. 



John Bull y Jr. 31 

From half-past eight till half-past nine I take 
the boys for a walk. 

From half-past nine till one I teach more sub- 
jects than I feel competent to do, but I give 
satisfaction. 

At one I dine. 

At five minutes to two I take a bell, and go 
in the fields, ringing as hard as I can to call the 
boys in. 

From two to four I teach more subjects than 
— (I said that before). 

After tea I take the boys for a second walk. 

My evenings are mine, and I devote them to 
study. 

2 $rd August, 1873. 

Mr. R. proposes that I should teach two or 
three new subjects. I am ready to comply 
with his wishes ; but I sternly refuse to teach 
la valse a trots temps. 

He advises me to cane the boys. This also I 
refuse to do. 

* * 

i$th September, 1873. 
I cannot stand this life any longer. I will 



32 John Bull, Jr. 

return to France if things do not take a brighter 
turn. 

I leave Mr. R. and his " Dotheboys Hall." 

At the station I meet the clergyman. He had 
more than once spoken to me a few kind words. 
He asks me where I am going. 

" To London, and to Paris next, I hope," I 
reply. 

" Are you in a hurry to go back?" 

" Not particularly ; but " 

" Well, will you do my wife and myself the 
pleasure of spending a few days with us at the 
Vicarage? We shall be delighted if you will." 

" With all my heart." 

,* 
* * 

2$th September, 1873. 

Have spent a charming week at the Vicarage 
— a lovely country-house, where for the first time 
I have seen what real English life is. 

I have spoken to my English friend of my 
prospects, and he expresses his wonder that I 
do not make use of the letters of recommenda- 
tion that I possess, as they would be sure to 
secure a good position for me. 

" Are not important posts given by examina- 
tion in this country?" I exclaimed. 

But he informs me that such is not the 



John Bull, Jr. $$ 

case ; that these posts are given, at elections, 
to the candidates who are bearers of the best 
testimonials. 

The information is most valuable, and I will 
act upon my friend's advice. 

My visit has been as pleasant as it has been 
useful. 



12th January, 1874. 

A vacancy occurred lately in one of the great 
public schools. I sent in my application, ac- 
companied by my testimonials. 

Have just received an official intimation that 
I am elected head-master of the French school 
at St. Paul's. 



14th January, 1874. 

One piece of good luck never comes alone. 
I am again appointed London correspondent 
to one of the principal Paris papers. 
Allons, me voila sauve ! 



34 John Bull y Jr. 



III. 



1 Make the Acquaintance of Public School Boys* 
— "When I Was a Little Boy." — An Awful 
Moment.— A Simple Theory. — I Score a Success. 

I am not quite sure that the best qualification 
for a schoolmaster is to have been a very good 
boy. 

I never had great admiration for very good 
boys. I always suspected, when they were too 
good, that there was something wrong. 

When I was at school, and my master would 
go in for the recitation of the litany of all the 
qualities and virtues he possessed when a boy — 
how good, how dutiful, how obedient, how in- 
dustrious he was — I would stare at him, and 
think to myself : How glad that man must be he 
is no longer a boy ! 

" No, my dear little fellows, your master was 
just like you when he was mamma's little boy. 
He shirked his work whenever he could ; he 
used to romp and tear his clothes if he had a 
chance, and was far from being too good for this 



John Bull, Jr. 35 

world ; and if he was not all that, well, I am only 
sorry for him, that's all.' ' 

I believe that the man who thoroughly knows 
all the resources of the mischievous little army 
he has to fight and rule is better qualified and 
prepared for the struggle. 

We have in French an old proverb that says : 
" It's no use trying to teach an old monkey how 
to make faces." 

The best testimonial in favor of a school- 
master is that the boys should be able to say of 
him : " It's no use trying this or that with him ; 
he always knows what we are up to." 

How is he to know what his pupils are " up to " 
if he has not himself been "up to" the same 
tricks and games ? 

The base of all strategy is the perfect know- 
ledge of all the roads of the country in which 
you wage war. 

To be well up in all the ways and tricks of boys 
is to be aware of all the moves of the enemy. 

It is an awful moment when, for the first time, 
you take your seat in front of forty pairs of 



36 John Bull, Jr. 

bright eyes that are fixed upon you, and seem to 
say : 

" Well, what shall it be ? Do you think you 
can keep us in order, or are we going to let you 
have a lively time of it ? " 

All depends on this terrible moment. Your 
life will be one of comfort, and even happiness, 
or one of utter wretchedness. 

Strike the first blow and win, or you will soon 
learn that if you do not get the better of the 
lively crew they will surely get the better of you. 

I was prepared for the baptism of fire. 

I even had a little theory that had once ob- 
tained for me the good graces of a head-master. 

This gentleman informed me that the poor 
fellow I was going to replace had shot himself 
in despair of being ever able to keep his boys in 
order, and he asked me what I thought of it. 

"Well," I unhesitatingly answered, "I would 
have shot the boys." 

" Right ! " he exclaimed ; "you are my man." 

If, as I strongly suspected from certain early 
reminiscences, to have been a mischievous boy 
was a qualification for being a good school- 
master, I thought I ought to make a splendid 
one. 



John Bull, Jr. 37 

The result of my first interview with British 
boys was that we understood each other per- 
fectly. We were to make a happy family. That 
was settled in a minute by a few glances at each 
other. 



38 John Bull y Jr. 



IV. 

The " Genus " Boy.— The Only One I Object To. 
—What Boys Work For. 

Boys lose their charm when they get fifteen or 
sixteen years of age. The clever ones, no doubt, 
become more interesting to the teacher, but they 
no longer belong to the genus boy that you love 
for his very defects as much as for his good 
qualities. 

I call "boys" that delightful, lovable race of 
young scamps from eleven to fourteen years old. 
At that age all have redeeming points, and all 
are lovable. I never objected to any, except 
perhaps to those who aimed at perfection, espe- 
cially the ones who were successful in their 
efforts. 

For my part, I like a boy with a redeeming 
fault or two. 

By " boys " I mean little fellows who manage, 
after a game of football, to get their right arm 
out of order, that they may be excused writing 
their exercises for a week or so ; who do not 



John Bull } Jr. 39 

work because they have an examination to pre- 
pare, but because you offer them an inducement 
to do so, whether in the shape of rewards, or 
maybe something less pleasant you may keep in 
your cupboard. 



40 John Bull, Jr. 



School Boys I have Met. — Promising Britons. — 
Sly-Boots. — Too Good for this World. — "No, 
Thanks, We Makes It." — French Dictionaries. 
— A Naughty Boy. — Mothers' Pets. — Dirty but 
Beautiful. — John Bully. — High Collars and 
Brains. — Dictation and its Trials. — Not to be 
Taken In. — Unlucky Boys. — The Use of Two 
Ears. — A Boy with One Idea. — Master Whirl- 
igig. — The Influence of Athletics. — A Good 
Situation. — A Shrewd Boy of Business. — Master 
Algernon Cadwaladr Smyth, and Other Typical 
Schoolboys. 

Master Johnny Bull is a good little boy 
who sometimes makes slips in his exercises, but 
mistakes — never. 

He occasionally forgets his lesson, but he 
always " knows " it. 

" Do you know your lesson ? " you will ask him. 

" Yes, sir," he will reply. 

" But you can't say it." 

" Please, sir, I forget it now." 

Memory is his weak point. He has done his 
best, whatever the result may be. Last night he 
knew his lesson perfectly ; the proof is that he 



John Bull y Jr. 41 

said it to his mother, and that the excellent lady 
told him he knew it very well. Again this 
morning, as he was in the train coming to school, 
he repeated it to himself, and he did not make 
one mistake. He knows he didn't. 

If he has done but two sentences of his home 
work, " he is afraid " he has not quite finished 
his exercise. 

" But, my dear boy, you have written but two 
sentences." 

" Is that all ? " he will inquire. 

" That is all." 

" Please, sir, I thought I had done more than 
that." And he looks at it on all sides, turns it 
to the right, to the left, upside down ; he reads 
it forwards, he reads it backwards. No use ; he 
can't make it out. 

All at once, however, he will remember that 
he had a bad headache last night, or maybe a 
bilious attack. 

The bilious attack is to the English schoolboy 
what the migraine is to the dear ladies of France: 
a good maid-of-all-work. 

Sometimes my young hero brings no exercise 
at all. It has slipped, in the train, from the 



42 John Bull, Jr. 

book in which he had carefully placed it, or there 
is a crack in his locker, and the paper slipped 
through. You order excavations to be made, 
and the exercise has vanished like magic. 
Johnny wonders. 

" Perhaps the mice ate it ! " you are wicked 
enough to suggest. 

This makes him smile and blush. He gene- 
rally collapses before a remark like this. 

* * 

But if he has a good excuse, behold him ! 

" I could not do my exercise last night," said 
to me one day a young Briton. It was evident 
from his self-satisfied and confident assurance 
that he had a good answer ready for my in- 
quiry. 

" You couldn't," I said ; "why?" 

" Please, sir, grandmamma died last night ! " 

" Oh ! did she ? Well, well — I hope this won't 
happen again." 

This put me in mind of the boy who, being 
reproached for his many mistakes in his transla- 
tion, pleaded : 

" Please, sir, it isn't my fault. Papa will 
help me." 

An English schoolboy never tells stories — 
never. 

A mother once brought her little son to the 
head-master of a great public school. 



John Bull, Jr. 43 

" I trust my son will do honor to the school," 
she said ; " he is a good, industrious, clever, and 
trustworthy boy. He never told a story in his 
life." 

" Oh ! madam, boys never do," replied the 
head-master. 

The lady left, somewhat indignant. Did the 
remark amount to her statement being disbelieved, 
or to an affirmation that her boy was no better 
than other boys ? 

* 

Of course every mother is apt to think that her 
Johnny or Jenny is nature's highest utterance. 
But for blind, unreasoning adoration, commend 
me to a fond grandmamma. 

The first time I took my child on a visit to my 
mother in dear old Brittany, grandmamma re- 
ceived compliments enough on the subject of the 
" lovely petite blonde " to turn her head. But 
it did not want much turning, I must say. One 
afternoon, my wife was sitting with Miss Baby 
on her lap, and grandmamma, after devouring 
the child with her eyes for a few moments, said 
to us: 

" You are two very sensible parents. Some 
people are so absurd about their babies ! Take 
Madame T., for instance. She was here this 
morning, and really, to hear her talk, one would 



44 John Bull, Jr. 

think that child of hers was an angel of beauty 
— that there never was such another." 

"Well, but, grandmamma," said my wife, 
" you know yourself that you are forever dis- 
coursing of the matchless charms of our baby to 
your friends." 

" Ah ! " cried the dear old lady, as serious as 
a judge ; " but that's quite different ; in our case 
it's all true." 

If you ever hope to find the British school- 
boy at fault, your life will be a series of disap- 
pointments. Judge for yourself. 

I (once) : " Well, Brown, you bring no exer- 
cise this morning. How is that ?" 

Promising Briton : " Please, sir, you said 
yesterday that we were to do the 17th exercise." 

I (inquiringly): "Well?" 

P. B. (looking sad) : H Please, sir, Jones said 
to me, last night, that it was the 18th exercise we 
were to do." 

I (surprised) : " But, my dear boy, you do not 
bring me any exercise at all." 

P. B. (looking good) : " Please, sir, I was 
afraid to do the wrong one." 

Dear, dear child ! the thought of doing wrong 
but once was too much for him ! I shall always 
have it heavy on my conscience to have rewarded 



John Bull, Jr. 45 

this boy's love of what is right by calling upon 
him to write out each of those exercises five 
times. 

That thick-necked boy, whom you see there 
on the front row aiming at looking very good, 
and whom his schoolfellows are wicked and dis- 
respectful enough to surname " Potted Angel," 
is sad and sour. His eyes are half open, his 
tongue seems to fill his mouth, and to speak, or 
rather to jerk out the words, he has to let it hang 
out. His mouth moves sideways like that of a 
ruminant ; you would imagine he was masticat- 
ing a piece of tough steak. He blushes, and 
never looks at you, except on the sly, with an 
uncomfortable grin, when your head is turned 
away. It seems to give him pain to swallow, and 
you would think he was suffering from some in- 
ternal complaint. 

This, perhaps, can be explained. The con- 
science lies just over the stomach, if I am to 
trust boys when they say they put their hands on 
their conscience. Let this conscience be 
heavily loaded, and there you have the explana- 
tion of the grumbling ailment that disturbs the 
boy in the lower regions of his anatomy. 

To be good is all right, but you must not over- 
do it. This boy is beyond competition, a stand- 
ing reproach, an insult to the rest of the class. 



46 John Bull, Jr. 

You are sorry to hear, on asking him what he 
intends to be, that he means to be a missionary. 
His face alone will be worth ^500 a year in the 
profession. Thinking that I have prepared this 
worthy for missionary work, I feel, when asked 
what I think of missionaries, like the jam- 
maker's little boy who is offered jam and declines, 
pleading : 

" No, thanks — we makes it." 

I have great respect for missionaries, but I 
have always strongly objected to boys who make 
up their minds to be missionaries before they are 
twelve years old. 






Some good, straightforward boys are wholly 
destitute of humor. One of them had once to 
put into French the following sentence of Charles 
Dickens : " Mr. Squeers had but one eye, and 
the popular prejudice runs in favor of two." 
He said he could not put this phrase into 
French, because he did not know what it meant 
in English. 

" Surely, sir," he said to me, " it is not a prej- 
udice to prefer two eyes to Olle. ,, 

This boy was wonderfully good at facts, and 
his want of humor did not prevent him from 
coming out of Cambridge senior classic, after 



John Bull, Jr. 47 

successfully taking his B.A. and M.A. in the 
University of London. 

This young man, I hear, is also going to be a 
missionary. The news goes far to reconcile me 
to the noble army of John Bull's colonizing 
agents, but I doubt whether the heathen will 
ever get much entertainment out of him. 






Some boys can grasp grammatical facts and 
succeed in writing a decent piece of French; 
but, through want of literary perception, they 
will give you a sentence that will make you feel 
proud of them until you reach the end, when, 
bang ! the last word will have the effect of a 
terrible bump on your nose. 

A boy of this category had to translate this 
other sentence of Dickens :* " She went back 
to her own room, and tried to prepare herself 
for bed. But who could sleep ? Sleep ! "f 

* " The Old Curiosity Shop." 

f Here I have to make a painful confession. I have 
actually acceded to a request from my American publishers, 
men wholly destitute of humor, to supply the reader with a 
translation of the few French sentences used in this little 
volume. This monument of my weakness will be found at 
the end. 



48 John Bull, Jr. 

His translation ran thus : " Elle se retira dans 
sa chambre, et fit ses pr6paratifs pour se coucher. 
Mais qui aurait pu dormir? Sommeil!" 

I caught that boy napping one day. 

" Vous dormez, mon ami ? . . . Sommeil y eh ? " 
I cried. 

The remark was enjoyed. There is so much 
charity in the hearts of boys ! 

Another boy had to translate a piece of Car- 
lyle's " French Revolution " : " ' Their heads 
shall fall within a fortnight/ croaks the people's 

friend (Marat), clutching his tablets to write 

Charlotte Corday has drawn her knife from the 
sheath ; plunges it, with one sure stroke, into 
the writer's heart." 

The end of this powerful sentence ran thus in 
the translation : " Charlotte Corday a tire son 
poignard de la gaine, et d'une main sure, elle le 
plonge dans le cceur de celui qui ecrivait" 

When I remonstrated with the dear fellow, he 
pulled his dictionary out of his desk, and tri- 
umphantly pointed out to me : 

" Writer (substantive), celui qui ecrit" 

And all the time his look seemed to say : 

" What do you think of that ? You may be a 
very clever man ; but surely you do not mean to 
say that you know better than a dictionary ! " 



John Bull, Jr. 49 

Oh, the French dictionary, that treacherous 
friend of boys ! 

The lazy ones take the first word of the list, 
sometimes the figurative pronunciation given in 
the English-French part. 

Result : " / have a key " — "J'ai un ki" 

The shrewd ones take the last word, to make 
believe they went through the whole list. 

Result : "A chest of drawers " — " Une poitrine 
de calefons" 

The careless ones do not take the right part of 
speech they want. 

Result: i \Hefelt"— u Ilfeutra"s "He left" 
— u Il gaucha." 

With my experience of certain French diction- 
aries published in England, I do not wonder that 
English boys often trust in Providence for the 
choice of words, although I cannot help think- 
ing that as a rule they are most unlucky. 

Very few boys have good dictionaries at hand. 
I know that Smith and Hamilton's dictionary (in 
two volumes) costs twenty shillings. But what 
is twenty shillings to be helped all through one's 
coaching ? About the price of a good lawn-ten- 
nis racket. 

I have seen boys show me, with a radiant air, 
a French dictionary they had bought for six- 
pence. 

They thought they had made a bargain. 

Oh, free trade ! Oh, the cheapest market ! 



50 John Bull, Jr. 

Sixpence for that dictionary ! That was not 
very expensive, I own — but it was terribly dear. 



When an English boy is about to write out 
his French exercise, he invariably begins by 
heading the copy 

" French," 

written with his best hand, on the first line. 

This is to avoid any misunderstanding about 
the language he is going to use. 

I have often felt grateful for that title. 



* 



Children are very great at titles and inscrip- 
tions. 

Give them a little penny pocket-book, and 
their keen sense of ownership will make them 
go straightway and write their name and address 
on the first page. When this is done, they will 
entitle the book, and write on the top of each 
page : " Memorandum Book." 

When I was at school, we French boys used 
to draw, on the back of the cover of our books, 
a merry-Andrew and a gibbet, with the inscrip- 
tion : 



John Bull, Jr. 51 

" Aspice Pierrot pendu, 
Quod librum n'a pas rendu. 
Si librum redidisset, 
Pierrot pendu non fuisset" 

I came across the following lines on some En- 
glish boys' books : 

" Don't steal this book for fear of shame, 
For here you see the owner's name ; 
Or, when you die, the Lord will say : 
■ Where is that book you stole away ? ' " 



* * 



Boys' minds are like a certain place not men- 
tioned in geographies : they are paved with good 
intentions. Before they begin their work, they 
choose their best nib (which always takes some 
time). This done, they carefully write their 
name and the title of the exercise. French 
looks magnificent. They evidently mean to do 
well. The first sentence is generally right and 
well written. In the second you perceive signs 
of flagging ; it then gets worse and worse till the 
end, which is not legible. Judge for yourself, 
here is a specimen. It collapses with a blot half 
licked off. 

Master H. W. S.'s flourish after his signature 
is not, as you see, a masterpiece of calligraphy ; 



52 John Bull, Jr. 

but it is not intended to be so. It is simply an 
overflow of relief and happiness at the thought 
that his exercise is finished. 
Translate the flourish by — 
11 Done ! ! ! " 

H. W. S. is not particularly lucky with his 
genders. Fortunately for him, the French lan- 
guage possesses no neuter nouns, so that some- 
times he hits on the right gender. For this he 
asks no praise. Providence alone is to be 
thanked for it. 

Once he had to translate: u His conduct was 
good." He first put sa conduite. After this 
effort in the right direction, his conscience was 
satisfied, and he added, itait bon. Why ? Be- 
cause an adjective is longer in the feminine than 
in the masculine, and with him and his like the 
former gender stands very little chance. 

I remember two very strange boys. They were 
not typical, I am happy to say. 

When the first of them was on, his ears would 
flap and go on flapping like the gills of a fish, 
till he had either answered the question or given 
up trying, when they would lie at rest flat against 



c^S> -&&*. 2$£?.&^L 




-fee/ the me nil/. <£. ^MVi^ cd£- 



John Bull, Jr. 53 

his head. If I said to him sharply : " Well, my 
boy, speak up ; I can't hear," his ears would 
start flapping more vigorously than ever. Some- 
times he would turn his eyes right over, to see if 
he could not find the answer written somewhere 
inside his head. This boy could set the whole 
of his scalp in motion, bring his hair right down 
to his eyes, and send it back again without the 
least difficulty. These performances were simply 
wonderful. The boys used to watch him with 
an interest that never flagged, and more than 
once I was near losing my countenance. 

One day this poor lad fell in the playground, 
and cut his head open. We were all anxious to 
ascertain what it was he had inside his head that 
he always wanted to get at. The doctor found 
nothing remarkable in it. 

The other boy was a fearful stammerer. The 
manner in which he managed to get help for his 
speech is worth relating. Whenever he had to 
read a piece of French aloud, he would utter the 
letter " F " before each French word, and they 
would positively come out easily. The letter 
" F" being the most difficult letter for stammer- 
ers to pronounce, I always imagined that he 
thought he would be all right with any sound, if 
he could only say " F " first. 

He was successful. 



54 John Bul2 y Jr. 

A boy with whom you find it somewhat 
difficult to get on is the diffident one who always 
believes that the question you ask him is a 
u catch. " He is constantly on guard, and sur- 
rounds the easiest question with inextricable 
difficulties. It is his misfortune to know that 
rules have exceptions, and he never suspects that 
it would enter your head to ask him for the illus- 
tration of a general rule. 

He knows, for instance, that nouns ending in 
al form their plural by changing al into aux : but 
if you ask him for the plural of general^ he will 
hesitate a long while, and eventually answer you, 
generals. 

" Do you mean to say, my boy, that you do not 
know how to form the plural of nouns in al ? " 

" Yes, sir, but I thought general was an excep- 
tion." 

* * 

I pass over the wit who, being asked for the 
plural of egal, answered, " two gals." 

A diverting little boy in the class-room is the 
one who always thinks " he has got it. " It mat- 
ters little to him what the question is, he has not 
heard the end of it when he lifts his hand to let 
you know he is ready. 



John Bully Jr. 55 

"What is the future of savoir? " 

" Please, sir, I know : je savoirai" 

"Sit down, you ignoramus." 

And he resumes his seat to sulk until you 
give him another chance. He wonders how it is 
you don't like his answers. His manner is gen- 
erally affable ; you see at once in him a mother's 
pet who is much admired at home, and thinks he 
is not properly appreciated at school. 

- Mother's pets are to be recognized at a glance. 
They are always clean and tidy in face and per- 
son. Unfortunately they often part their hair in 
the middle. 

* * 

Such is not the testimonial that can be given 
to young H. He spends an hour and a pint of 
ink over every exercise. 

He writes very badly. 

To obtain a firm hold of his pen, he grasps the 
nib with the ends of his five fingers. I some- 
times think he must use his two hands at once. 
He plunges the whole into the inkstand every 
second or two, and withdraws it dripping. He 
is smeared with ink all over ; he rubs his hands 
in it, he licks it, he loves it, he sniffs it, he revels 
in it. He wishes he could drink it, and the ink- 
stands were wide enDugh for him to get his fist 
right into it. 



56 John B icll y Jr. 

This boy is a most clever little fellow. When 
you can see his eyes, they are sparkling with 
mischief and intelligence. A beautiful, dirty 
face ; a lovely boy, though an " unwashed." 

A somewhat objectionable boy, although he is 
not responsible for his shortcomings, is the one 
who has been educated at home up to twelve or 
fourteen years of age. 

Before you can garnish his brain, you have to 
sweep it. You have to replace the French of his 
nursery governess — who has acquired it on the 
Continong — by a serious knowledge of avoir and 
etre. 

He comes to school with a testimonial from 
his mother, who is a good French scholar, to the 
effect that he speaks French fluently. 

You ask him for the French of 
" // is twelve o ' clock" 

and he answers with assurance : 
" Cest dome heures" 

You ask him next for the French of 
" How do you doV 

and he tells you : 

" Comment fa va-t-il? " 

You call upon him to spell it, and he has no 
hesitation about it : Comment savaty ? " 

You then test his knowledge of grammar by 



John Bull, Jr. 57 

asking him the future of vouloir^ and you im- 
mediately obtain : u Je voulerai" 

You tell him that his French is very shaky, 
and you decide on putting him with the begin- 
ners. 

The following day you find a letter awaiting 
you at school. It is from his indignant mother. 
She informs you that she fears her little boy will 
not learn much in the class you have put him in. 
He ought to be in one of the advanced classes. 
He has read Voltaire * and can speak French. 

She knows he can, she heard him at Boulogne, 
and he got on very well. The natives there had 
no secrets for him ; he could understand all they 
said. 

You feel it to be your duty not to comply with 
the lady's wishes, and you have made a bitter 
enemy to yourself and the school. 

This boy never takes for granted the truth of 
the statements you make in the class-room. 
What you say may be all right ; but when he 
gets home he will ask his mamma if it is all true. 

He is fond of arguing, and has no sympathy 
with his teacher. He tries to find him at fault. 

A favorite remark of his is this : 

" Please, sir, you said the other day that so- 
and-so was right. Why do you mark a mistake 
in my exercise to-day ? " 

* Poor little chap ! 



5 8 John Bull y Jr. 

You explain to him why he is wrong, and he 
goes back to his seat grumbling. He sees he is 
wrong ; but he is not cured. He hopes to be 
more lucky next time. 

When you meet his mother, she asks you what 
you think of the boy. 

" A very nice boy indeed," you say ; " only I 
sometimes wish he had more confidence in me ; 
he is rather fond of arguing." 

" Oh ! " she exclaims, " I know that. Charley 
will never accept a statement before he has dis- 
cussed it and thoroughly investigated it." 

* * 

As a set-off for Charley, there is the boy who 
has a blind confidence in you. All you say is 
gospel to him, and if you were to tell him that 
the French word voisin is pronounced kramshaka, 
he would unhesitatingly say kramshaka. 

Nothing astonishes him ; he has taken for his 
motto the Nil admirari of Horace. He would 
see three circumflex accents on the top of a vowel 
without lifting his eyebrows. He is none of the 
inquiring and investigating sort. 

* 

Another specimen of the Charley type is the 
one who has been coached for the public school 



John Bull } Jr. 5<J 

in a Preparatory School for the Sons of Gentle- 
men, kept by ladies. 

This boy has always been well treated. He is 
fat, rubicund, and unruly. His linen is irre- 
proachable. The ladies told him he was good- 
looking, and his hair, which he parts into two 
ailes de pigeon, is the subject of his incessant 
care. 

He does not become " a man " until his com- 
rades have bullied him into a good game of 
Rugby football. 






On the last bench, right in the corner, you 
can see young Bully. He does not seek after 
light, he is not an ambitious boy, and the less 
notice you take of him the better he is pleased. 
His father says he is a backward boy. Bully is 
older and taller than the rest of the class. For 
form's sake you are obliged to request him to 
bring his work, but you have long ago given up 
all hope of ever teaching him any thing. He is 
quiet and unpretending in class, and too sleepy 
to be up to mischief. He trusts that if he does 
not disturb your peace you will not disturb his. 
When a little boy gives you a good answer, it 
arouses his scorn, and he not uncommonly throws 
at him a little smile of congratulation. If you 



60 John Bull, Jr. 

were not a good disciplinarian, he would go and 
give him a pat on the back, but this he dares not 
do. 

When you bid him stand up and answer a 
question, he begins by leaning on his desk. Then 
he gently lifts his hinder part, and by slow de- 
grees succeeds in getting up the whole mass. He 
hopes that by this time you will have passed him 
and asked another boy to give you the answer. 
He is not jealous, and will bear no ill-will to the 
boy who gives you a satisfactory reply. 

If you insist on his standing up and giving sign 
of life, he frowns, loosens his collar, which seems 
to choke him, looks at the floor, then at the ceil- 
ing, then at you. Being unable to utter a sound, 
he frowns more, to make you believe that he is 
very dissatisfied with himself. 

" I know the answer," he seems to say ; " how 
funny, I can't recollect it just now." 

As you cannot waste any more time about him, 
you pass him ; a ray of satisfaction flashes over 
his face, and he resumes his corner hoping for 
peace. 

The little boys dare not laugh at him, for he is 
the terror of the playground, where he takes his 
revenge of the class-room. 

His favorite pastime in the playground is to 
teach little boys how to play marbles. They 
bring the marbles, he brings his experience. 
When the bell rings to call the boys to the class- 



John Bull, Jr. 61 

rooms, he has got many marbles, the boys a little 
experience. 

One of my pet aversions is the young boy who 
arrays * himself in stand-up collars and white 
merino cravats. 

George Eliot, I believe, says somewhere that 
there never was brain inside a red-haired head. 
I think she was mistaken. I have known very 
clever boys with red hair. 

But what I am positive about is that there is no 
brain on the top of boys ornamented with stand- 
up collars. 

Young Bully wears them. He comes to school 
with his stick, and whenever you want a match 
to light the gas with he can always supply you, 
and feels happy he is able for once to oblige 
you. 

In some boys I have often deplored the presence 
of two ears. What you impart through one im- 
mediately escapes through the other. Explain 
to them a rule once a week, they will always en- 
joy hearing it again. It will always be new to 
them. Their lives will ever be a series of enchant- 
ments and surprises. 

* Being a little bit of a philologist, I assume this verb 
comes from the common (very common) noun, y Arry. 



62 John Bull, Jr. 

You must persevere, and repeat things to them 
a hundred times, if ninety-nine will not do. Who 
knows there is not a John Wesley among them ? 

" I remember," once said this celebrated di- 
vine, " hearing my father say to my mother:* How 
could you have the patience to tell that blockhead 
the same thing twenty times over?' ' Why/ said 
she, ' if I had told him only nineteen times, I 
should have lost all my labor.' " 

I am not sure that the boy with only one 
ear is not still more tiresome. He always turns 
his deaf ear to you, and makes his little infirmity 
pay. " He is afraid he did not quite hear you, 
when you set the work yesterday." For my part. 
I met the difficulty by having desks placed each 
side of my chair. On my left I had the boys 
who had good right ears ; on my right, those who 
had good left ones. 

I can not say I ever saw many signs of grati- 
tude in boys for this solicitude of mine in their 
behalf. 

At dictation time the two-eared boy is terri- 
ble, and you need all the self-control you have 
acquired on the English shores to keep your 
head cool. 



John Bull y Jr. 63 

Before beginning, you warn him that a mute 
e, or an s, placed at the end of a vowel, gives a 
long sound to that vowel, that ie is long in jolie, 
and i is short in jolt; that ais is long in je serais, 
and at is short in je serai. 

Satisfied that he is well prepared, you start 
with your best voice : 

"Je serais " 

The boy looks at you. Is he to write je serais 
ox je serai ? 

To settle his undecided mind, you repeat : 

"Je serais" 

and you may lay great emphasis on ais, bleating 
for thirty seconds like a sheep in distress. 

He writes something down at last. You go 
and see the result of your efforts. He has writ- 
ten 

"Je serai" 

Drat the boy ! 

Next time you dictate a word ending in ais, 
he won't be caught again. 

He leaves a blank or makes a blot. 

You must never take it for granted that you 
have given this boy all the explanations he re- 
quires to get on with his work. You will always 



64 John Bully Jr. 

find that there is something you have omitted 
to tell him. 

He is not hopelessly stupid, he personifies the 
vis inertia ; he is indifferent, and takes but one 
step at a time. 

He will tell you he did not know that there 
were notes at the end of his French text-books. 
When he knows that there are such notes, he 
will inform you next time that you did not tell 
him he was to look at them. 

He sees things, but at first he does not know 
what they are for unless they are labelled, and 
he will ignore the use of a chair if you do not 
point out the flat part of this piece of furniture, 
or better still, touch it, saying, " Chair — to sit 
upon." 

The following are bits of conversation you will 
have with him in the class-room : 

" How is it you have no copy to give me ? " 

" I thought we only had to prepare the piece." 

Of course you know what it means when a 
boy tells you he has " prepared " his work, but 
has not written it down. So you tell him he is 
to bring a copy next time. He does, for he is 
most anxious to do as he is told. 

When you ask him to give you the translation 
of the piece viva voce, he tells you : 

" Please, sir, you did not tell us we were to 
learn the piece." 

" But, my boy, don't you understand that you 



John Bull, Jr. 65 

are doing a piece of French twice a week in 
order to learn the language ? " 

He never thought of that. He had to write 
out the translation of a piece of French, and he 
has done it. He did not know he had to draw 
such bewildering conclusions as you have just 
mentioned. 

He does as he is told, and he marvels you do 
not consider him a model of a boy. 

If he were placed at the door of the reading- 
room of the British Museum, with orders to in- 
form people that they must take their umbrellas 
or sticks to the cloak-room, he would carry out 
the intentions of the librarians with a vengeance. 

" Take your stick or your umbrella to the 
cloak-room," he would say to the first person 
presenting himself at the door. 

" But I have not got either," might reply the 
visitor. 

"That's no business of mine ; go and fetch 
them," he would naturally suggest. 

He can grasp but one idea at a time, and this 
one idea does not lead to another in his mind. 
There it remains like the buried talent. 

Master Whirligig is a light-headed boy. It 
requires very little to entertain him. The fall- 
ing of a book, a cough, a sneeze, an organ in 



66 John Bull, Jr. 

the street, will send him into fits of hilarity be- 
hind his pocket-handkerchief, and when the 
school breaks up for the Midsummer holidays, 
he will be able to tell you the exact number of 
flies that passed through the class-room during 
the term. 

He is never still for a moment. Always on 
the look-out for fresh events, he is the nearest 
approach to perpetual motion yet discovered. 

The cracks in this boy's cranium may be ex- 
plained physiologically. Matter subjected to 
constant motion gets heated, as we all know. 
Now young Whirligig's skull is but scantily fur- 
nished with brain matter, and it would be wise 
of him to keep it still. This he seems to be in- 
capable of doing. He is for ever jerking and 
shaking it, churning the contents in fact. The 
churn heated, hot vapors are generated ; they 
expand, the pressure is too great, they must es- 
cape — they force an outlet — hence the cracks. — 
Q.E.D. 



If you want to see the good average English 
schoolboy in all his glory, make him write out a 
rule of French grammar, and tell him to illus- 
trate it with an example. 

Nine times out of ten his example will illus- 
trate the contrary to the rule. 

He has heard over and over again, for instance, 



John Bull, Jr. 67 

that a French past participle, conjugated with 
the auxiliary avoir \ sometimes agrees with its 
direct object and sometimes does not. This he 
thinks very hard upon him. Funny temper 
these past participles have ! You never know 
when they will agree. It is not fair, now, is it ? 
By consulting his grammar, he would be enabled 
to satisfy his master. But he does not do that. 
He trusts to his luck, and has a shot. After all, 
his chance is 50 per cent. He senerallv fails to 
hit. 

Is he not a most unlucky little creature ? 

Ask this boy to give you the French for "this 
woman is good," he will answer you : u Bonne est 
cette femme" He has heard that bon was one of 
those few adjectives that have to be placed be- 
fore the noun, and that is very unfair to him, 
isn't it ? 

If you set an exercise to English boys, to be 
written out on the spot, they all set off quickly, 
the question being, as they look at one another : 

" Who shall have finished first?" 

This I hold to be due to the influence of 
athletics. 

"Please, sir, I've done!" will exclaim the 
winner triumphantly, as he looks at the rest of 
the class still busy scratching their paper. 



68 John Bull y Jr. 

You generally like to know what boys intend 
to be, in order to direct your attention more 
specially to the subjects they will require to be 
grounded in for such or such an examination. 

Most boys from twelve to fourteen years old 
will tell you " they do not know," when you ask 
them what they will be. Many of them are 
undecided, many indifferent ; some are shy, and 
afraid you will think it conceited of them to 
believe they are fit to be one day doctors, 
officers, barristers, clergymen, etc. 

A few answer " I don't know," on the tune of 
"What is that to you?" 

As it is always impolitic to take more interest 
in people than they do themselves, you do not 
insist. 

Once I asked a nice and clever little boy what 
he wanted to be. 

This little boy's papa was at the time enjoy- 
ing the well- salaried far niente of a chaplaincy 
attached to an old philanthropical institution 
that had not had any inmates for many years 
past. 

" Please, sir, I want to be like papa," he 
answered, ingenuously. 

* * 

My young friend T. had no taste for languages, 
except, perhaps, bad language, if I am to believe 



John Bull , Jr. 69 

certain rumors of a punishment inflicted upon 
him by the head-master not long ago. 

He prepares for the army, but I doubt whether 
he will succeed in entering it, unless he enlists. 
I regret it for her Majesty's sake, for he would 
make a capital soldier. He is a first-rate athlete, 
resolute, strong, and fearless. He would never 
aim at becoming a field-marshal, and I hold that 
his qualities ought to weigh in an examination 
for the army as much as a little Latin and 
Greek. 

I never heard of great generals being particu- 
larly good at Latin, except Julius Caesar, who 
wrote his Commentaries on the Gallic Wars in 
that language, and without a dictionary, they 
say. 

My young friend is the kind of boy who, in 
the army, would be sure to render great service 
to his country; for, whether he killed England's 
enemy or England's enemy killed him, it would 
eventually be for the good of England. 

* * 

Ah ! now, who is that square-headed boy, sitting 
on the second form near the window ? He looks 
dull ; he does not join in the games, and seldom 
speaks to a school-fellow. He comes to school 
on business, to get as much as he can for his 
money. 



70 John JBuU, Jr. 

He is not brilliant, but steady-going ; he is 
improving slowly but surely. He goes on his 
jog-trot way, and always succeeds in being placed 
among the first twelve boys of the class. He is 
what is called a " respectable person." 

He never smiles, and you would think he had 
on his shoulders the responsibility of the man- 
agement of the London and Westminster Bank. 

His books are carefully covered in brown 
paper or American cloth. He writes rough 
copies on the backs of old exercises, and wipes 
his pen when he has finished his work. He buys 
his books second-hand in Holywell Street,* 
and when he has finished with them they have 
the same market value as when he bought 
them. 

He lends old nibs and half-sheets of paper, 
and requires the borrower to give him back new 
nibs and foolscap sheets. 

He studies French with all the energy he is 
capable of, because his father has told him that, 
with a good knowledge of French, he will com- 
mand a good salary in the City. 

You ask him what he will be, and he answers 
you : 

" In business. " 

This boy will be a successful man — a lord- 
mayor, perhaps. 

* A street in London where Jews sell second-hand books. 



John Bull, Jr. 71 

I can not take leave of the class-room without 
mentioning the boy who is proud of his name. 
"What is your name, my boy ? " 
"Algernon Cadwaladr Smyth." 
"Oh! your name is Smith, is it?" 
" No, sir ; my name is Cadwaladr Smyth." 
"You spell your name S-m-i-t-h, don't you?" 
" No, sir ; S-m-y-t-h," he answers, almost 
indignantly. 

Dear boy ! he is as proud of thejy of his name 
as a Howard is of his ancestors — although I am 
not quite sure the Howards ought to be very 
proud of their name, seeing that it is but a cor- 
ruption of Hog-ward. 

I always thought it was somewhat hard on a 
boy to have to go through life labeled Cadwaladr; 
but, as I have remarked elsewhere, in En- 
gland there is nothing to prevent parents from 
dubbing their offsprings Bayard, Bertrand du 
Guesclin — or, for that matter, Nebuchadnezzar. 



72 John Bull, Jr. 



VI. 

French as She is Traduced.— More Grumbling. — 
"La Critique" is Not the Critic's Wife. — Bossuet's 
Prose and how it Reads in English. — Nothing 
Improves by Translation except a Bishop. — A 
Few French " Howlers." — Valuable Hints on 
Translating Unseen Passages. 

English boys have invented a special kind of 
English language for French translation. 

It is not the English they use with their clas- 
sical and other masters ; it is not the English 
they use at home with their parents, or at school 
with their comrades ; it is a special article kept 
for the sole benefit of their French masters. 

The good genus boy will translate out, mon 
pere, by "yes, my father/' as if it were possible 
for him to forget that he calls his papa father, 
and not my father, when he addresses him. 

He very seldom reads over his translation to 
ascertain that it reads like English ; but when 
he does, and is not perfectly satisfied with the 
result, he lays the blame on the French original. 
After all, it is not his fault if there is no sense in 
the French, and he brings a certain number of 



John Bull, Jr. 73 

English dictionary words placed one after the 
other, the whole entitled French. 

Of course he can not call it English, and 
he dares not call it Nonsense. 

He calls it French, and relieves his conscience. 

* * 

It will take boys long to understand that la 
trompette, la ?nedecine, la marine, la statuaire, are 
not respectively the wives of It trompette, le 
medecin, le marin, le statuaire. 

An honest little boy once translated " La 
critique doit etre bonne fille " by " The critic's wife 
ought to be a good girl." 

Poor little fellow ! it is most probable that no 
dictionary within his reach would have explained 
to him that the expression bonne fille meant 
" good-humored." 

O Bossuet, veil thy face! 

The finest piece of French prose in existence is 
undoubtedly the following sentence, taken from 
Bossuet's funeral oration on the Great Conde : 

" Restait cette re do u table injanterie de Varmee 
d Espagne, dont les gros bataillons serres, semblables 
a autant de tours, mats a des tours qui sauraient 
reparer leurs breches, demeuraient inebranlables au 



74 John Bull, Jr. 

milieu de tout le reste en de'route, et langaient des 
feux de toutes parts." 

This reads like a chant of Homer, does it 
not ? It reads quite differently in boys' transla- 
tions, I assure you, when you come to " towers 
that would be able to mend their breaches." 

This confirms you in your belief that nothing 
improves by translation — except a bishop. 

* * 

From my little collection of what is called in 
the scholastic profession " Howlers," I extract 
the following, with my apologies to their perpe- 
trators. 

* * 

La fille de feu ma bonne et estimie cousine est. 
toujours la bienvenue, ' ' My good and esteemed 
cousin, the daughter of fire, is always welcome." 

* 

Mon frere a tort et ma sozur a raison, " My 
brother has some tart and my sister has some 
raisins." 

* 

Ell e par tit dans la matinee du lendemain, " She 



John Bull y Jr. 75 

took part in the morning performance of 
legerdemain." 

This is a specimen of German ^/V/ perpetrated 
by a candidate to our scholarships, and a young 
subject of his Venerable Majesty Emperor 
William. 

Honor to whom honor is due. 

When I said that boys do not look at the notes 
given at the end of their text-books, it was noth- 
ing short of a libel, as two cases following will 
prove. 

Diable ! cest qu'il est capricieux, le bonhomme ! 

A boy looked at a note on this phrase, and 
found : " capricieux, akin to Latin capra (a goat)." 
Next day, he brought his translation, which ran 
thus : 

" The good man is devilishly like a goat. ,, 

* * 

The next two " howlers " were indulged in by 
my boys, as we were reading Jules Sandeau's 
Mademoiselle de la Seigliere. 

The Baroness de Vaubert says to the Marquis 
de la Seigliere : " Cahnez-vous" 



76 John Bull \ Jr. 

A boy having translated this by " Calm your- 
self," I observed to him : 

"Couldn't you give me something more 
colloquial ? " 

Boy, after a moment's reflection : 

" Keep your hair on, old man." 

Je laisse Renaud dans les jar dins d'Armtde, 
" I leave this fox in the gardens of Armida," and, 
between brackets, the following explanatory 
statement : 

(" Jerusalem delivered Tasso in the hands of 
an enchantress named Armida.")* 

Chaque age a ses plaisirs was translated by a 
nice little boy, " Every one grows old for his 
preserves.") 

(Evidently written after a surfeit of jam.) 

The vagaries of my young friends are thrown 

* I reproduce the note which had " helped " the boy : 
["Renaud dans les jardins d* Armida " the enchanted 
gat dens of Armida (*' Jerusalem Delivered '," Tasso), 
figuratively, in the hands of an enchantress.] 



John Bull, Jr. 77 

into the shade by some achievements of profes- 
sional translators which I have come across in 
America. A French master may occasionally 
enjoy the drolleries that a magnificent disdain 
for dictionary trammels and a violent yearning 
towards the play-ground will betray his pupil 
into ; but I imagine that a publisher, who pays 
in hard cash for the faithful translation of a 
French book, can scarcely be pleased to find 
that the work has been interlarded with mirth- 
provoking blunders thrown in gratis. 

I extract the two following examples of 
" French as she is traduced " from the transla- 
tion of one of my books that the American pirates 
did me the honor to publish : 

Les exploits oVHercule sont de la Saint Jean 
aupres de . . . . , " The exploits of Hercules are 
but of the St. John order compared to " 

Monsieur, ne vous retournez pas, " Sir, do not 
return yourself." 

* 

But to return to John Bull, junior. 

I pass young worthies who translate " / have 
never read any thing by Moliere " by " Je nai pas 
jamais lit quelque chose par Moliere" on the 
ground that " it is so in English." This 
" French " sentence was, by-the-bye, the first 
essay on Moliere I received at the hands of the 
English boys. 



78 John Bull, Jr. 

Some little fellows, trusting their 'sense of 
sight, have the objectionable habit of writing 
the translation of a text before looking at it, at 
all events before seeing it. 

Result : " // racco?nmodait les vie it x Soulier s " 
— " He recommended the old soldiers." 

A clever boy, whilst reading a comedy at first 
sight, translated " Eglantine (baissant Its 
yeux) " by " Eglantine (kissing his eyes)." 

You naughty boy ! 

* * 

I once read the following sound advice given 
in the preface of a French Translation book : 

" hints on translating unseen passages." 

" i. Read the passage carefully through, at 
least twice. ,, 

" 2. Keep as closely as possible to the origi- 
nalin sense, but use English idiom boldly." 

" 3. Never write down nonsense." 

Now, and whilst I think of it, why unseen? 

It may be that I do not perceive the niceties 
of the English language, but this commonly 
used word, " unseen," never conveyed any mean- 
ing to my mind. Would not " unforeseen " be 
a better word ? I would timidly suggest. 

If the book in question succeeded in making 



John Bull, Jr. 79 

boys carry out the foregoing suggestions, it 
would be worth its weight in gold. 

As far as my experience goes, the only hint 
which I have known them follow is the one that 
tells them to use English idiom boldly. 

A drawback to these hints is that they are 
given in the preface. Now, dear colleagues and 
confreres, which of you has ever known a school- 
boy read the preface of his book ? 



8o John Bull, Jr. 



VII. 

English Boys on French Etymologies. — Why V Si- 
lence " IS THE ONLY FRENCH NOUN, ENDING IN " ENCE," 

that is of the masculine gender. — a valuable 
Service rendered by the Author to his Land of 
Adoption. — Learned Etymologies. — Return to 
Old Philological Methods. — Remarkable Ques- 
tions — Written and Oral Examinations. — A Kind 
Examiner. — How Long would it take the Moon to 
Fall to the Earth ? — How Many Yards of Cloth 
it takes to Cover an Ass. — I Examine in German. 

French boys, and only of late, are made to go 
through a course of French philology during 
their last two years at school ; but English 
school-boys, who are seldom taught to speak 
French, and who would find it just as difficult 
to make themselves understood in Paris as they 
would in Pekin, are made to study the " rudi- 
ments " of French philology, that is to say, the 
origin of words they are unable to put together 
so as to make French sentences of them. 

I might take this opportunity for discussing 
whether English school-boys should not leave 
alone all this nonsense, and devote the little 



John Bull, Jr. 81 

spare time they have to learning how to put 
French words together with a decent pronunci- 
ation ; but I have promised myself to discuss 
nothing in this little volume of personal recol- 
lections, and I will keep my word. 

After all, what Englishmen want to be able to 
do is to write a letter in French, and to ask for 
a steak or a mutton-chop in a French restau- 
rant, without having to low or bleat to make the 
waiter understand that it is beef or .mutton they 
want. 

I did not go to England to make reforms ; I 
accept things as I see them, and I generally wait 
to give my advice until I am asked for it. 

So French philology is taught. A hundred 
exercises, which I have under my eyes, show me 
the results of the philological teaching of French 
in England. 



For once — now for once only, let me make a 
boast. 

Small as I am, I have rendered a valuable ser- 
vice to the land of my adoption. Yes. a service 
to England, nothing short of that. 

For over fifteen years, the French examiners 
in the University of London invariably every year 
asked the candidates for Matriculation the fol- 
lowing question — I had almost said riddle : 



&2 John Bull, Jr. 

" Which is the only French substantive end- 
ing in ence that is of the masculine gender, and 
why ? " 

You may picture to yourself the unhappy 
candidates, scratching their heads, and going, 
in their minds, through the forty and some 
thousand words which make up the French vo- 
cabulary. 

Those only who were " in the know " could 
answer that the famous word was silence, as it 
came from the Latin neuter noun silentium, 
the other French nouns ending in ence (from 
Latin feminine nouns in entid) being feminine. 

"Well," I said one day to the examiner, an 
eminent confrere and friend, " don't you think 
you make the candidates waste a good deal of 
their valuable time, and that it would be better 
to ask them the question (if you must ask it) 
in a straightforward manner?" 

He thought I was right, and for two years 
more the question was asked again, but in the 
following improved manner : 

" Explain why silence is the only French noun, 
ending in ence, that is of the masculine gender." 

This was sensible, and I hoped the examiner 
would for a long time to come be in smooth 
water. 

The gods willed it otherwise. 

One morning he came to me in a great state 
of excitement. 



John Bull, Jr. 83 

" I am furious ! " he said. " I believe one of 
the candidates has been laughing at me." 

" You don't say so ! " I remarked. 

" I believe so," he continued, whilst untying 
a bundle of papers. " Now look at this," he 
cried, handing me a copy ; " have you ever 
seen such impudence ? " 

I looked, but could make nothing out of it. 

" What's the matter ? " I inquired. 

"Well, I asked the candidates the question 
about the gender of silence." 

" I know, the famous question, eh ? " 

"Never mind that. See the answer one of 
them gives me," and he pointed it out to me. It 
ran thus : 

" Silence is the only French noun, ending in 
ence> that is masculine, because it is the only 
thing women can not keep." 

Tears of sympathy for the boy trickled down 
my cheeks ; I thought it was lovely. 

" Well," I said, when I had recovered, " it 
serves you right." 

" I will plough that boy ! " he ejaculated. 

" No, you won't do that," I said. " How did 
he do the rest of the paper ? " 

" Very well, indeed ; the impudent scamp is a 
clever fellow." 

" And a wit," I added; " you must not plough 
him." 



84 John Bull) Jr. 

I never knew the fate of that boy, although I 
believe I saved him. 

But what I do know is that never, never since, 
has the question found place in the Matricula- 
tion papers of the University of London. 

A boy, having to give the etymology of the 
French word dimanche, and explain why "book" 
and "pound" are expressed by the same French 
word livre, perpetrated the following : 

" Dimanche is a compound word, formed from 
di (twice), and manche (to eat), because you take 
two meals on that day (Sunday)." * 

" Livre stands' for ' book ' as well as for 
' pound,' because the accounts of ' pounds ' 
are kept in ' books/ " 

It was the same boy who, being asked for the 
meaning of cordon bleu, answered " a teetotaler." 



A young Briton, having to derive the French 
word tropique, wrote : 

* Dear boy ! he probably was a weekly boarder, and the 
Sunday fare at home had left sweet recollections in his mind. 
This beats Swift's etymology of l< cucumber," which he once 
gave at a dinner of the Philological Society : " King Jere- 
miah, Jeremiah King, Jerkin, Gherkin, Cucumber" 



John Bull, Jr. 85 

" This word comes from trop (too much), and 
ique (from Latin hie which means here), with the 
word heat understood, that is to say: Tropique, it 
is too hot here." 

Another boy, with a great deal of imagination 
and power of deduction, having to give the deri- 
vation of the French word cheval, wrote the fol- 
lowing essay : 

" Cheval comes from the Latin equus. The 
letter u was written v, which gave 

equus = eqvus = quevus. 

" This word became quevalus, which finally 
gave cheval." 

We might exclaim with d'Aceilly : 

" Cheval vient & equus, sans doute ; 
Mais il faut convenir aussi 
Qu'a venir de la jusqu'ici, 
II a bien change sur la route."* 

# 
* * 

This boy's method is, after all, a return to the 
old methods. If we consult Menage's Etymo- 
logical Dictionary, we see that he easily derives 

* " * Cheval ' comes from ' equus ,' no doubt; but it 
must be confessed that, to co?ne to us in that state, it has 
sadly altered on the way." 



86 John Bull y Jr. 

rat from mus, and haricot from /aba, to take 
only two instances of the method. 

" The Latin mus," he says, " became muratus, 
and then ratus, which gave us rat.* 9 

He deals no less successfully with haricot, 
viz : 

" The Latin faba became by corruption faba- 
ricus, which altered into fabaricotus, and finally 
into aricotus, which gave us haricot.** 

After this we may appreciate Voltaire's remark 
that " philologists take no account of vowels, 
and very little notice of consonants." 

Nor do boys. 

* * 

If the answers given by candidates at exami- 
nations are often remarkable, the questions asked 
by the examiners are often more wonderful still. 
Here are a few which have been seriously asked, 
and — proh pudor ! — published : 

" Define, with reference to passages in the 
Lettres Provinciates, ' grace suffisante,' ' grace 
efficace/ grace actuelle,' ' casuisme,' i pouvoir 
prochain/ ' probabilisme.' Also explain what 
is meant by * casuistry.' What can be said in 
its defence ? " 

" Give some account of Escobar." 

" What are the principal differences between 
the Latin and the French languages ? " 



John Bull, Jr. 87 

Well might an eminent confrere exclaim one 
day : 

"Is not all this printed and published to dis- 
courage the study of French ? " 

* 

I once heard an examiner ask a dear little fel- 
low, aged eleven, the following poser : 

" Give me the derivations of all the words of 
the French sentence you have just read 
aloud." 

Poor little boy ! He took the examiner for a 
wonderful man. 

So he was. 

English examinations consist of so many papers 
to be taken up ; the "viva voce " does not play 
an important part in England, as it does in 
France. 

A " viva voce " examination very often gives 
the examiner a better idea of the candidate's 
abilities and knowledge than a written one, but 
it has many drawbacks. It favors babblers and 
the self-assured, and does not enable the timid 
to show themselves at their best. 



88 John Bull, Jr. 

The more learned the examiner, the more kind 
and indulgent is he to the candidates. 

Sainte-Claire Deville, the famous French chem- 
ist, had to be declined by the authorities at the 
Sorbonne as an examiner, because he used to 
answer his questions himself to save the candi- 
dates trouble. 

" How do you prepare oxygen ? " he would 
ask. " By heating chlorate of potash, don't 
you ? " 

" Yes, sir." 

" You place the chlorate of potash in a thin 
glass flask, don't you ? " 

" Yes, sir." 

" Now a small quantity of manganese bi-oxide, 
mixed with the chlorate of potash, enables you 
to obtain the oxygen at a much lower tempera- 
ture, does it not ? " 

" Yes, sir." 

" Very good — now, another question/' 

And so forth. 

On the other hand, there are examiners who 
make it a rule to bully the candidates, or, worse 
still, to snub them They will ask preposterous 
questions with the mere object of disconcerting 
them. 

" How loner would it take the moon to fall to the 



John £u!I, Jr. 89 

earth ? " I once heard an examiner ask a candi- 
date to the baccalaureat es-sciences. 

A facetious examiner once got his due from a 
young Parisian candidate. 

After asking him a few " catches," and obtain- 
ing no answers he suddenly said to him : 

" Do you know how much cloth would be re- 
quired to cover an ass ? " 

" I do not, sir," replied the lad, " but if you 
are anxious to know, I will ask your tailor." 

The audience laughed heartily, and the exami- 
ner, seeing that this time the laughter was not on 
his side, congratulated the boy on his wit, and 
immediately asked him a few sensible questions, 
which were answered respectfully, and proved 
that the candidate had his subjects as ready as 
his wit. 

* 

I was once asked to examine the French and 
German classes of an important English school. 

I wrote to "my lords and gentlemen," saying 
that my knowledge of German was not such as 
to enable me to find fault with other people's. 

The governors answered that it did not mat- 
ter, and I was directed to proceed to the Exam- 
ination. 

I got over the difficulty by sharing the work 
and the fees with an able German, who prepared 
the questions and corrected the copies. 



90 John Bull, Jr. 



VIII. 

English Boys on French Composition. — '■ Go ahead" 
is not in French " Allez une Tete." — How Boys 
Set about French Composition. — A Written Proof 
of their Guilt. — How Large Advertisements can 
Help Them. — A Stumbling-block cleared away. 

You have achieved a great success when you 
have succeeded in getting into young boys' heads 
that French is not English replaced by equivalent 
words to be found in a dictionary. 

This is the way boys generally set about writ- 
ing a piece of English into French. 

They take the first English word, open their 
dictionary, and put down the French word they 
have found for it (the wrong one, as a rule, if 
more than one is given). Then they take the 
second English word, to which they apply the 
same process, until they come to a stop, which 
they carefully reproduce in the French (many 
don't). This done, they take their blotting- 
paper, apply it on the copy, rub it hard for a 
minute or two, and knock off to enjoy a well- 
deserved rest. 



John Bull, Jr. 91 

The amount of blotting-paper used by boys 
is prodigious. A word is no sooner written 
down than it is fixed on the paper by a good 
hearty rubbing down. They are afraid it will 
evaporate if not properly secured on the paper 
at once. 



* 



Suppose your young pupils have to put into 
French " I give you." 

They will first write Je, then donne. After the 
English word " you/' they are referred to a note. 
They look at this note (many don't), and see 
that they must put the pronoun vous before the 
verb. They do so between the lines, and thus 
write down the proof of their iniquity : 
vous 
" je A donne? 



Although the boys use their eyes to look at 
things, there are few who use them to see. 

Young S. was an exception. 

Having to put into French, " No sovereign 
ever was more worthy,'' he brought me : 

" Ja?7iais souverain ne fut plus digfieP 



92 John Bull, Jr. 

I congratulated him on his achievement, and 
as I was suspicious he had been helped at home 
I asked him how he came to write this. He 
then said to me that on his way home he had 
seen in the station a large advertisement of a 
tooth-paste maker. The advertisement consisted 
of a huge woman's head, showing two rows of 
beautiful teeth, with this inscription : 

" Avec de belles dents jamais femme ne fut 
laide." 

He had come to the conclusion that this 
French phrase could help him, and he took it 
down at the station. 

This young Briton has a great future before 
him. 

A boy having to translate " I have gone out," 
begins by writing " fai." That is understood, 
When afterwards he finds that the verb sortir is 
conjugated with the auxiliary itre^ he changes 
fat into je sn is. Nine times out of ten he trusts 
his memory, or rather he leaves it to chance, and 
he keeps fat. 

French books are loaded with facts, but few 
with explanations. 

All the French grammars I know publish the 
list of the neuter verbs that are conjugated with 
the auxiliary itre y but none give boys the reason 



John Bull, Jr. 93 

why these verbs are conjugated with Stre and not 
with avoir. Boys learn this list of verbs and for- 
get it, and you know little of boys' nature if you 
imagine that they will consult their grammar at 
every turn. Some do, to be sure, but how many ? 

I do not know of one French grammar that 
tells students that neuter verbs, which express a 
state as well as an action, or rather that neuter 
verbs which express that a state is enjoyed as soon 
as the action is over, are conjugated with etre. 

A boy will understand you, and remember what 
you say, if you tell him : 

" As soon as you have died, you are dead. This 
is why the verb mourir\ expressing the state of 
being dead, as soon as the action of dying is over, 
has to be conjugated with etre!' 

" As soon as you have arrived, you are arrived." 

" As soon as you have been born, you are born." 

" Therefore all these verbs arriver, naitre, venir, 
sortir, partir, etc., are conjugated with etre." 

" By this reasoning, with courir (to run) you 
get an absurdity. ' As soon as you have run you 
are run ' is an absurdity. Therefore courir, ex- 
pressing only an action, not a state, takes avoir" 

Yes, boys will understand all that, and noth- 
ing gives them more pleasure than having their 
minds satisfied with a little explanatory food. I 
have seen rays of happy satisfaction flashing over 
scores of young faces as they got hold of these 
facts. 



94 John Bull y Jr. 

For the same reason, reflexive verbs are con- 
jugated with etre, because they also express that 
a state is enjoyed as soon as the action is over. 

" As soon as you have washed yourself you 
are washed — if you have done it properly, of 
course." 

Tell the boys so, and they will laugh, and 
they will understand you, and they will be grate* 
ful to you. 

I could give hundreds of instances in which a 
few explanatory words would settle grammatical 
facts in boys' minds ; but, although I am tempted 
at almost every page to turn this book into a 
class-book, I must bear in mind that my aim is 
not to instruct, and pass on. 



John Bull y Jr. 95 



IX. 

How to be Happy though a Schoolmaster. — Sugges- 
tions and Hints for the Class-room. — Boys on His- 
tory and Geography. — "Maxims" and "Wise 
Thoughts." — Advice to Those About to Teach.— 
"Sir," and not " Mossoo." — " Frauleins " and 
" Mademoiselles." — " Check " your Love for Boys. 
—No Credit. — We are all Liable to Make Mis- 
takes. — I Get an Insight into " Stocks." 

I know masters who spend their time looking at 
their books with their heads downwards, and 
who only occasionally lift them up to say to a 
boisterous class : 

" Now then, now then ! " 

They might as well tell the boys : " Just take 
a minute's rest, my dears, will you ? In a mo- 
ment I shall be looking at my desk again, then 
you will be able to go on." 

* 
Face the boys, or you will be nowhere. 

* 
* * 

Always be lively. If you once let the boys go 
to sleep, you will never wake them up again. 



g6 John Bull, Jr. 

Always look the same in face and person. 
Your moustache curtailed, your whiskers shaved, 
or the usual shape of your coat altered, will 
cause a revolution in your class. 

Never show your temper if you have one, and 
keep the changes of your temperature for the 
benefit of your wife and family. If you once 
show your boys that they have enough power to 
disturb your equilibrium and interfere with your 
happiness, it is for them a victory, the results of 
which they will always make you feel. 

If you are annoyed by a boy constantly chat- 
ting with his neighbors, see if he has a brother 
in the class. If he has, place them side by side, 
and peace will be restored. Brothers will some- 
times quarrel in class, but have a quiet chat to- 
gether, never. 

* * 

Never overpraise clever boys, or they will 
never do another stroke of work. Never snub 
the dull ones ; you don't know that it is not out 
of modesty that they will not shine over their 
schoolfellows. 



John Bull y Jr. 97 

Never ask young English public schoolboys 
any questions on history that may be suggested 
to you by the proper names you will come across 
in the text. Their knowledge of history * does 
not go much beyond the certainty that Shake- 
speare was not a great. Roman warrior, although 
his connection with Julius Caesar, Antony, and 
Coriolanus keep a good many still undecided as 
to the times he lived in. 

Ask them under whose reign Ben Jonson 
flourished, and you will be presented by them 
with a general survey of English history from the 
Norman Conquest to the reign of Her Most 
Gracious Majesty Queen Victoria. A good 
many will also take the opportunity of making a 
show of their knowledge of literary history (the 
temptation is irresistible), and add that he was a 
great man who wrote a good dictionary, and was 
once kept waiting for a long time in Lord Ches- 
terfield's antechamber, " which he did not like." 
Boys are generally good at historical anecdotes, 
a remnant of their early training. 



* I mean '* modern history ," for although public school- 
boys know Utile or nothing of Marlborough and Wellington, 
they could zvrite volumes about Pericles, Scipio, and Hanni- 
bal. Ask them something about the Reform Bill, the Re- 
peal of the Corn Laws, or the causes which led to American 
Independence, and you will have little essays worth insert- 
ing in a comic paper. 



9 8 John Bull) Jr. 

We once had to put into French the following 
sentence : 

" Frederick the Great of Prussia had the por- 
trait of the young Emperor in every room of his 
Sans-Souci Palace, and being asked the reason 
why he thus honored the portrait of his greatest 
enemy, answered that the Emperor was a busy, 
enterprising young monarch, and that he found 
it necessary always to have an eye upon him." 

I asked the class who this Emperor was that 
Frederick the Great seemed to fear so much, and 
I obtained many answers, including Alexander 
the Great and most well-known imperial rulers 
down to Napoleon the First ; but not one named 
Joseph II. of Austria. 

Another time we were translating a piece of 
Massillon, taken from his celebrated Petit 
Care me. 

When we came to the following passage, in his 
sermon on Flattery: " The Lord," once said the 
holy King, " shall cut off all flattering lips, 
and the tongue that speaketh proud things," I 
asked the boys, who, by-the-bye, were referred in 
the notes to Psalm xii. 3, who was this holy King 
mentioned by Massillon ? 

The first answer was " Charles I." The second 
was " Saint Louis," and I should not probably 
have received the proper answer if I had not 
expressed my astonishment at finding that no- 



John Bull, Jr. 99 

body in the class seemed to know who wrote the 
Psalms. 

Even after this remark of mine, many boys 
remained silent ; but at last one timidly sug- 
gested " David. " 
' He did not seem to be quite sure. 

" This," I thought to myself at the time, " is 
hardly an encouragement to make children read 
the Bible twice a day from the time they can 
spell." 



The knowledge of geography is not more wide- 
spread than the knowledge of history among 
these same boys. So, if you have no time to 
'waste don't ask them where places are. 

They know where England is ; they know more 
or less precisely the position of India, Canada, 
Australia, New Zealand, the Cape of Good Hope, 
and such other spots of the earth as are marked 
in red on the maps published in England. 

France, Russia, Germany, Austria, Italy, 
Spain, Turkey, they could after a few hesitations 
find out on the map of Europe, but as they are 
not marked in red, their patriotism prevents 
them from taking any more interest in these 
countries. 

France, however, is rather interesting to them 
as being a part of the globe in which the French 
irregular verbs come by nature, 



ioo John Bull, Jr. 

Never expect any thanks for all the trouble 
you have taken over your pupils. 

When boys succeed in their examinations, it 
is owing to their intelligence and industry ; when 
they fail, it is owing to the bad teaching of their 
masters. Boys can do no wrong ; get this well 
engraven on your minds. 

When a boy laughs at a mistake made by a 
schoolfellow, do not believe that he does so out 
of contempt, and that he knows better. Ask him 
for the answer immediately, and he will be as 
quiet as you please. 

If you observe him a little, you will see that he 
never begins to laugh before you have declared 
the answer of his schoolfellow to be wrong ; he 
would never know himself. 

I always carefully prepared the piece of French 
that my pupils had to translate, in order to be 
ready with all the questions suggested to me by 
the text ; but I never prepared composition : I 
preferred working it in class with them, so as to 
show them that scores of French sentences 
properly rendered an English one. I think it is 
a mistake to impose one rendering of an English 
sentence. Anybody can do this — with a key. 



John Bull, Jr. 101 

Be not solemn in class, nor aim at astonishing 
the boys with your eloquence. 

To look at their staring eyes and gaping 
mouths, you may perhaps imagine that they are 
lost in ecstatic admiration. Look again, they are 
all yawning. 



When you have made the personal acquain- 
tance of the boys who are to make up a class 
during the term, you can easily assign to them 
seats that will not perhaps please them, but 
which will insure peace. A quiet boy placed 
between two noisy chatterboxes, or a chatterbox 
placed between two solemn boys, will go a long 
way towards securing your comfort and hap- 
piness. The easiest class-room to manage is the 
one furnished with separate desks. Then you 
may easily carry the government on the old 
principle of Divide et regna. 

If you see a boy put his hand before his mouth 
whilst he is talking, snub him hard for it. Tell 
him that, when you were a boy and wanted to 
have a quiet chat with a neighbor, you were not 
so silly as to thus draw the master's attention 
and get your little conversation disturbed. 



io2 John Bull, Jr. 

We are none of us infallible, not even the 
youngest of us, as the late Master of Trinity 
College, Cambridge, once wittily remarked. 

Never be tired of asking for advice ; you will 
become a good schoolmaster only on condition 
that you will take constant advice from the old 
stagers. 

If, however, you should discover that, in the 
middle of your lesson, your pupils are all sound 
asleep, don't go and tell the head-master, and 
ask him how you should set about keeping them 
awake. This is beyond his advice. 

The General commanding a French military 
school had once decided upon having a lecture 
on Hygiene given to the pupils on Monday after- 
noons. The day was badly chosen. A French 
Sunday always means for a French boy a little 
dissipation in the shape of a good dinner at 
home or with friends, and on Monday after- 
noons we generally felt ready for a little doze, 
if the lecture was in the least prosy. 

The lecturer, tired of addressing sleeping 
audiences, lodged a complaint with the General, 
and asked that his lecture should henceforth 
take place on another day of the week. 

This could not be arranged, but the General 
soon decided upon a plan to set matters to rights. 



John Bull, Jr. 103 

" I will place a basof * in the room," he said ; 
"he will take down the names of all those who 
go to sleep, and I shall have them kept in on the 
following Sunday." 

When the lecturer made his next appearance, 
followed by the basof we thought it would be 
prudent to listen, and the lesson passed off with- 
out accident. 

The following Monday, however, the poor 
lecturer had not proceeded very far, when he 
discovered that we we^re all asleep — and that so 
was the basof. 

Of course the General inflicted a severe 
punishment upon us, and also upon the offend- 
ing Cerberus. 

Moral. — I believe that, if a lecturer or a 
master had gone to complain to an English head- 
master that all his pupils went to sleep whilst he 
lectured, the head-master would have answered 
him : 

" My dear sir, if your lecture sends your 
audience to sleep, it is your fault, not mine, and 
I don't see how I can help you." 

And the sooner the man sent in his resigna- 
tion, the better for the comfort of all concerned. 



* Abbreviation of " bas-officier " (non-commissioned officer). 



104 John Bull, Jr. 

If you are a Frenchman, never allow your 
boys to call you Mossoo, Myshoo, Mounzeer, or 
any other British adaptation of Monsieur. If 
you do, you may just as well allow them to pat 
you on the back and call you "Old chappie." 
They should call you " Sir," otherwise you will 
lose your footing and fail to be the colleague of 
the English masters. You will only be the 
Mossoo of the place, something, in the world, 
like the Mademoiselle (from Paris), or the 
Fraulein (from Hanover), of the Establishment 
for Young Ladies round the corner. 

All the Frauleins come from Hanover, as all 
the Mademoiselles are Parisian and Protestants, 
if I am to believe the column of scholastic ad- 
vertisements in the English newspapers. 

This is wonderful, is it not ? 

If you set any value on your reputation and 
your time, never carry the interest which you 
naturally take in your pupils the length of invit- 
ing them to come to your house to receive extra 
teaching at your hands, unless it be as a means 
of improving your revenue. 

I once determined to devote all my Saturday 



John Bull, Jr. 105 

evenings to two young fellows whom I was 
anxious to pass through the Indian Civil Service 
examination. I thus worked with them five 
months. Their fathers were men of position. 
I never received so much as a post-card of thanks 
from them. If I had charged them a guinea for 
each visit, I should have received two checks 
with " many thanks for my valuable services," 
which would have benefited my banking account 
and given satisfaction to my professional vanity. 
I have since " checked " my ^ove for boys. 
# 

Shun interviews with parents, mothers espe- 
cially, as you would the plague. Leave this 
privilege to the head-master, who is paid hand- 
somely for these little drawbacks to his position. 
If they invite you to dinner, do not fall into the 
snare, but remember that a previous engagement 
prevents you from having the pleasure of accept- 
ing their kind invitation. Never enter into cor- 
respondence with them on the subject of "their 
dear boy." If, to inflict scruples on your con- 
science, they should enclose a stamped envelope, 
give a penny to the first beggar you meet on 
leaving school. Relieve the conscience, but, 
whatever you do, don't answer. 

Always pretend you have not seen a breach of 



106 John Bull, Jr. 

discipline when you are not quite sure about the 
offender, or, when sure, you can not bring a 
clear charge against him. You have no time for 
investigations. 

Wait for another chance. A boy never rests 
upon an unpunished offence. 

Offence and punishment should be exchanged 
like shots. 

No credit : cash. 

* * 

If you correct little boys' copies yourself, you 
will find that you have undertaken a long and 
wearisome task that brings no result. When 
you return these copies, they are received with 
thanks, folded up, carefully pocketed, and never 
looked at again. Make the boys reserve a good 
wide margin for the corrections. Underline all 
their mistakes, and, under your eyes, make them 
correct the mistakes themselves. 

* * 

However well up you may be in your subjects, 
you are sure to find yourself occasionally trip- 
ping. The derivation of a certain word will 
escape you for a moment, or the right transla- 
tion of another will not come to your mind 
quickly enough. With grown-up and intelligent 
young fellows in advanced classes, no need to 



John Bull, Jr. 107 

apologise. But with little boys you must remem- . 
ber that you are an oracle. Never for a moment 
let them doubt your infallibility ; call up all the 
resources of your ingenuity, and find a way out 
of the difficulty. So a good actor, whose 
memory fails him for the time, calls upon his 
imagination to supply its place. And must not 
any man, who would gain and keep the ear of a 
mixed audience, be a bit of an actor, let his 
theatre be the hustings, the church, or the class- 
room ? Has not a master to appear perfectly 
cross when he is perfectly cool, or perfectly cool 
when he is perfectly cross? Is not this acting? 

It once fell to my unhappy lot to be requested 
to take an arithmetic class twice a week, during 
the temporary absence of a mathematical mas- 
ter. In my youth I was a little of a mathema- 
tician, but figures I was always bad at. As for 
English sums, with their bewildering complica- 
tions of pounds, shillings, pence, and farthings, 
which that practical people still fondly cling to, 
it has always been a subject of wonder to me 
how the English themselves do them. How I 
piloted those dear boys through Bills of Parcels 
I don't know ; but it is a fact that we got on 
pretty well till we reached " Stocks." Here my 
path grew very thorny. 

One morning the boys all came with the same 
sad story. None had been able to do one of 
the sums I had given them from the book. They 



108 John Bull, Jr. 

had all tried ; their brothers had tried ; their 
fathers had tried ; not one could do it. 

A short look at it convinced me that I should 
have no more chance of success than all those 
Britons, young and old, but it would never do to 
let my pupils know this. They must suppose 
that those few moments had been sufficient for 
me to master the sum in. So, assuming my most 
solemn voice, I said : 

" Why, boys, do you mean to tell me you can 
not do such a simple sum as this ? " 

" No, we can't, sir," was the general cry. 

" Why, Robinson, not even you ? " I said to 
the top boy. " I always considered you a sharp 
lad. Jones, you cannot ? Nor Brown ? Well, 
well; it's too bad." 

And, putting on a look of pitying contempt — 
which must have been quite a success, to judge 
by the dejection written on the faces before 
me — I proceeded to give them a little lecture on 
their arithmetical shortcomings. I felt saved. 
It was near the time for dismissing the class. 

" Boys," said I, to finish up, <; I must have 
been sadly mistaken in you ; the best thing we 
can do is to go back to addition and subtraction 
to-morrow." 

Without being quite so hard as that upon 
them, I set them an easy task for the next les- 
son; the bell rang, and the boys dispersed. 

I immediately went to the head mathematical 



John Bull y Jr. 109 

master, and had the difficulty explained away in 
a few seconds. 

How simple things are when they are ex- 
plained, to be sure ! 

Armed with a new insight into Stocks, I was 
ready for my young friends the following Fri- 
day. After the ordinary work had been got 
through: 

"Now," I said, "have you had another try at 
that sum, any of you ? " 

" Yes, sir ; but we can't do it," was the reply. 

"Well," I said, in a relenting tone, as I went 
to the blackboard, "I suppose we had better do 
it together." 

I made the boys confess it was too stupid of 
them to have proved unequal to this simple sum; 
and thus they regained my good graces. 

Later in the day I received the glad tidings 
that the master I replaced was better (goodness 
knows if I had prayed for the return of his 
health!). He was to have his boys next time. 

Thus was I enabled to retire from the field 
with flying colors. 

If you do not love boys, never be a school- 
master. If you love boys and wish to become a 
schoolmaster, see that you are a good disciplin- 
arian, or take Punch's advice to those about to 
marry: 

" Don't." 



no John Bull, Jr. 



X. 

English Boys' Patriotism put to a Severe Test. — 
Their Opinion of French Victories. — King Louis 
VI. of France and the English Soldier at the 
Battle of Brenneville. — An English Boy on 
French Wrestling. — Young Tory Democrats. — 
'Imperium et Libertas.' — A Patriotic Answer. — 
Duck and Drake. 

I am afraid I often put the patriotism of Eng- 
lish boys to a severe test. 

I generally liked to place in their hands such 
books as would relate to them the glorious past 
of France, and teach them to respect her. Let 
those who do not love their country throw the 
first stone at me. 

Bossuet's " Funeral Orations," Voltaire's "Sie- 
cle de Louis XIV.," D'Aubigne's " History of 
Bayard," Bonnechose's " Lazare Hoche," were 
among my favorite text-books. 

I need not say that I always avoided recom- 
mending historical books which, like Bonne- 
chose's "Bertrand du Guesclin," for instance, 
referred to struggles between France and Eng- 
land. For obvious reasons, I have always pre- 



Jo '. i Bi .'. Jr. in 

ferred reading the accounts of the battles of 
Cressy, Poictiers, and Agincouit in French his- 
tories to reading them in English ones ;* and I 
imagined that Bertrand du Guesclin would not 

inspire in my pupils the same admiration as he 
did in us French boy-. 



But what fiery patriots these British lads are ! 
Why, they would like to monopolize all the vic- 
tories mentioned in history. 

Bossuet's panegyric :: Louis XIV. drive them 
frantic, half mad. Deal little fellows! they 
were wriggling with pain on their seats as we 
were reading: " This king, the terror of his ene- 
mies, who holds the destinies of Europe in the 
hollow of his hand and strikes with awe the 
whole astonished world." 

"The whole world struck with awe!" that 
could not be. Surely Bossuet ought to have 
said "with the exception of England" — a sad 
—ion on his p : 

"Who is it Bossuet is speaking of?" 
remarked a good little patriot, [>n hearing 
sentence. 



. ■ : .-.-':. Veen doubtful : \ether these battle. 



ii2 John Bull, Jr. 

" Louis XIV." 

"Louis XIV.?" 

" Yes ; never heard of him ? " 

I don't think he had. 

Bayard they all liked. His personal deeds of 
valor appealed to their young imaginations. His 
athletic powers especially stirred their hearts 
with admiration. 

Besides, his exploits took place such a long 
time ago that they felt ready to be lenient to- 
wards him. 

* Hz 

We once came across the name of Louis VI. 
of France in some French text, and I was un- 
fortunate enough to mention in class that, at the 
battle of Brenneville, an English soldier came up 
to the French king, and called upon him to sur- 
render, when Louis VI. remarked : " Don't you 
know that, at chess, the king cannot be taken 
prisoner ? " and immediately struck the English 
soldier dead on the spot. 

The boys seemed displeased. They looked 
at one another ; it was evident that they thought 
there was something wrong. The dose was too 
strong for them to swallow. 

I inquired of a little lad, who appeared par- 
ticularly distressed, what was the matter. 

" Please, sir," he said, " did not the English 
soldier try to kill the French king?" 



John Bull) Jr. 113 

"Well, I suppose he did," I replied; "but 
King Louis VI. was very strong, you know." 

" He must have been ! " he remarked, no 
doubt feeling more comfortable after my ex- 
planation. 



This historical anecdote of an Englishman al- 
lowing himself to be felled to the ground by a 
Frenchman puts me in mind of a little conversa- 
tion I heard in my school-days. 

Two young boys, one French, the other Eng- 
lish, were talking athletics in the playground, 
and the English boy asked his young friend to 
explain to him the principles of French wrest- 
ling. 

The little French lad proceeded, in a viva- 
cious manner, to describe the successive moves 
of the sport. 

He used the first person singular to make his 
description more forcible. 

" First," he said, " I would get a good grasp of 
your waist with my right arm, whilst I would 
collar you with my left one ; then, don't you 
see, I would twist my right leg round one of 
yours ; then " 

"Ah! but wait a minute," exclaimed the 
English boy, with a smile. " What should I be 
doing all this time ? Looking at you, I sup- 
pose ?" 



ii4 John .Bull, Jr. 

It was at the meetings of our French Debating 
Society that free play was given to youthful 
patriotism. Good heavens ! what a tabula rasa 
of the map of the world ! What fresh jewels 
added to the British crown ! I don't, think 
there is a single little corner of the globe worth 
mentioning that these boys did not lay their 
hands on. With what a crushing majority the 
" Peace, Retrenchment, and Reform " policy 
was defeated ! Was it not an insult to this 
glorious country to suggest that a reform was 
needed ? 

" The Liberals," exclaimed a young member, 
with a movement of Homeric indignation, "may 
be appreciated in Russia, but they are not Eng- 
lishmen." 

French collegiens are red radicals, socialists, 
anarchists, revolutionists — until they leave 
school. As I have said elsewhere, leading the 
lives of prisoners, they dream wild dreams of 
liberty, they gasp for freedom. 

Young Britons, enjoying liberty from tender 
years, are perfectly satisfied with their lot, and 
are mostly Conservatives. They identify Con- 
servatism with patriotism ; and if the Franchise 
were extended to them, the Liberal Party would 
have seen its best days. 

The new political school inaugurated by Lord 



John Bull, Jr. 115 

Randolph Churchill is greatly in favor with Eng- 
lish boys ; we had many Tory Democrats among 
us. 

" Imperium et Libertas " are two words which 
sound pleasantly in young English ears : the 
possession of a mighty Empire, and the enjoy- 
ment of that " thrice sweet and gracious god- 
dess," Liberty. 

I once asked a little English lad why his com- 
patriots ate roast goose on the 29th of Septem- 
ber, the anniversary of the defeat of the Spanish 
Armada. 

"Because," he answered proudly, "the King 
of Spain was such a goose as to come and attack 
our navy ! " 

A colleague of mine asked the same question 
in a different manner, and obtained an equally 
wonderful answer. 

"What is it the English eat on the 29th of 
September to commemorate the defeat of the 
Spanish Armada? " he asked. 

II Roast duck, sir, because it was Drake who 
beat the Spanish ! " 



u6 John Bull, J/ 



XL 

Cricket. — I have an Unsuccessful Try at it. — Boys' 
Opinion of my Athletic Qualities. — French and 
English Athletes. — Feats of Skill and Strength 
versus Feats of Endurance and Brute Force. — A 
Case of Eviction by Force of Arms. 

I never tried my hand at cricket but once> 
and did not get on very well. 

I was entrusted with the bat. It was a heavy 
responsibility. When I saw the ball come I hit 
hard at it, but missed it. The nasty thing struck 
me a woful blow on the jaw. 

I did not see much in the game, and I with- 
drew. 

Yet I confess that, as I began to understand 
the rules of cricket, I also began to conceive a 
certain amount of admiration for the game — at 
a respectful distance. 

I always suspected the boys did not entertain 
any great opinion of my athletic powers. The 



John Bull, Jr. 117 

following anecdote, related to me by some ladies, 
friends of mine, set my mind at rest on the sub- 
ject. 

These ladies, it appears, were traveling one 
day on the London District line. In the same 
compartment happened to be half-a-dozen boys, 
who were going to our annual school sports. 
The boys soon began to discuss the respective 
merits of the favorite runners, as well as their 
chances, and I am not quite sure that a little 
betting was not indulged in ; but this the ladies 
did not tell me, and you must never run the risk 
of bringing unfounded charges against boys. 

Presently a little fellow suggested that much 
fun would be added to the sport by the intro- 
duction of a master's race in the programme, 
and naturally this led the conversation to the 
athletic merits of the masters. 

Said one of the merry company : 

" What do you think of the French master ? " 

11 Not much," said the chorus. 

" Well, he is powerfully built," intimated one 
with a knowing look, who was, perhaps, bringing 
some personal recollection to bear on the 
subject. 

11 Yes," said another ; '"but he is too fat ; he 
has no wind. He would be nowhere." 

" What would you take him at?" asked the 
one with a knowing look. 

11 Sixty to one," was the reply. 



Ii8 John Bull, Jr. 

Some discussion took place, and I " closed " at 
fifty to one. 

Thus was my case settled. 

* * 

As to the matter of athletics, to which English 
boys are such devotees, I cannot help thinking 
that they are overdone, made a hobby of, and, 
like most hobbies in England, ridden to excess. 
No doubt it is a fine thing for a boy to have 
plenty of outdoor amusements ; it is good for 
him to be an adept at running, leaping, climbing, 
swimming ; but what in the world does he learn 
at football, the great winter game of the English 
schoolboy ? Why do the English so neglect 
pastimes that would develop dexterity of hand 
and limb, and devote themselves to a game which 
seems to me to teach nothing except respect of 
brute force ? 

" Oh ! but it cultivates their powers of endur- 
ance," says somebody. 

That is true, I believe ; although, from what 
I have seen of the two, I never could discover 
that an Englishman was more patient under the 
toothache than a Frenchman. 

Now, to get bruised ribs and dislocated shoul- 
ders in practicing flights out of second and third 
storey windows I should understand ; an accom- 
plishment of that kind might be useful in case 



John Bull, Jr. 119 

of fire ; but to what end does all the bruising of 
football tend ? 

The game of football itself seems to be the 
end, and " not a means to an end," as, I believe, 
Mr. Matthew Arnold has remarked. 

* 

Yet, behold John Bull, junior, on the football 
ground ! The hero of a bad cause, but for all 
that a hero ; a lusty little fellow, fearless, hardy, 
strong-knit, iron-muscled, and mule-headed, who, 
rather than let go a ball that he holds firmly in 
his arms, will perform feats of valor ; who, 
simply to pass this ball between two goals, will 
grovel in the dust, reckless of lacerated shoulders, 
a broken rib or jaw-bone, and will die on a bed 
of suffering with a smile upon his lips if he can 
only hear, before closing his eyes, that his side 
has won the game. 

* * 

Speaking from my experience, I should say 
that at gymnastic exercises, and all pastimes 
requiring a little skill, French boys are more than 
the equals of John Bull, junior. They are bet- 
ter at leaping, climbing, and wrestling. As for 
swimming, ine out of ten French boys are good 
swimmers. They do not want to emulate Cap- 



120 John Bull, Jr. 

tain Webb's feats when they grow up, because 
the object or beauty of such feats as his has 
never been revealed to them. 

But that is the Englishman all through. 

Can he swim well ? Then he must straight- 
way swim across the English Channel ; he must 
outswim his fellow-creatures ; he must be the 
champion of the world, and have the betting in 
his favor, until he turns his gift into a hobby, 
sets off on it, and, to the entertainment of a few 
Yankee excursionists, ends by being drowned 
in the Niagara Falls. 

As for the savate, the canne, fencing, which 
all bring the wits into play as well as the muscles, 
they, even the last-named, are very little known 
or practiced in England. In these most young 
Frenchmen are well up, and as for gymnastic 
exercises they are more practiced in France than 
in England, although the English boy fondly 
imagines he is at the top of the ladder in all 
matters athletic. 

The craze for athletics has inculcated in 
English boys the admiration for physical strength. 
This they like to find in their masters, as well 
as firmness of mind. 



John Bull, Jn 121 

It is not necessary that masters should use 
the former. Not by any means ; but there it is, 
and they might use it. 

There is nothing to inspire people with peace- 
ful dispositions like the sight of a good display 
of war material. 

An ex-colleague of mine became very popular 
by the following occurrence, the tale of which 
spread through the school like wildfire. 

This gentleman used to teach in a little class- 
room that led to the playground. One day a 
big boy of seventeen opened the door from the 
building, coolly crossed the room, and was about 
to open the door opposite to let himself out, 
when my friend caught hold of him by the collar, 
lifted him off the ground, and, to the stupefaction 
of the boys, carried him back through the room, 
as he would have a dog by the skin of his neck, 
and quietly dropped him outside the door he had 
entered by. Not a word was uttered, not an 
Oh I not an Ah ! The performance, if I remem- 
ber rightly, terminated somewhat comically. 
The boy had on a paper-collar, which remained 
as a trophy in the master's hands. 

It was, as you see, a case of eviction vi etamris, 
by the force of arms. 



122 Joh?t Bull, Jr. 



XII. 

Old Pupils. — Acquaintances Renewed. — Lively Recol- 
lections Revived.— It is Easier to Teach French 
than to Learn it. — Testimonial Refused to a French 
Master. — u How de do ? " — " That's What-d'ye-call 
Him, the French Master." 

I like meeting old pupils, especially those who, 
I am vain enough to think, owe to me a little 
part of their success in life. 

Others have greatly improved since they left 
school. I used to consider them hopelessly stu- 
pid, and now I see them able to speak on gen- 
eral topics with a great amount of common sense. 
Though they were not fit for scnool, they are fit 
for the world. They have good manners and are 
gentlemen. 

Some you cannot recognize with their " chim- 
ney-pots "; some will take no notice of you. 

Some will come and shake hands with you, 
and make a tardy acknowledgment of the debt 
they owe you ; some will express their regret 
that they do not owe you more. 

Some will approach you diffidently, and with 
a grin : 



John Bully Jr. 123 

" How do you do, sir ? Don't you know me ? 
I am So-and-So." 

" To be sure I do." 

"Don't you remember I once threw a paper 
ball in the room, and it fell on your desk by 
accident r" 

" To be sure. And don't you remember what 
you got for it ? " 

" Indeed I do. But that was an accident, you 
know, sir." 

" I dare say it was. And how are you getting 
on?" 

" Pretty well. I am in a bank." 

" Adding pounds, shillings, and pence ? " 

" Yes — rather slow sport." 

" Slow, yes, when the pounds, shillings, and 
pence don't belong to you." 

" You are right, sir." 

" Well, you might, perhaps, have done better 
for yourself ; you were an able boy." 

"I don't know about that, but I often regret I 
did not avail myself of the advantages that were 
offered to me." 

A repentant boy is always a sad sight, and one 
to be shunned. You comfort him, wish him suc- 
cess, and shake hands. 

The interest you have taken in boys at school 



124 John Bull, Jr. 

is put to a severe test when you receive a letter 
like the following : 

" Dear Sir : 

" I have decided on doing a little teaching 
while my father is trying to obtain a situa- 
tion for me. I know the interest you have al- 
ways taken in me and my welfare, and I write to 
ask if you will kindly give me a testimonial as to 
my ability to teach French. I am aware that I 
always was, and am still, a very poor French 
scholar, so that I can ask for a testimonial from 
you only as a great personal favor ; but I hope 
you will not refuse me." 

After thanking me for past, present, and fu- 
ture kindnesses, he subscribes himself "My obe- 
dient and grateful pupil." 

This boy, having heard me one day say in 
class that it was easier to be examiner than to be 
examined, had probably come to the conclusion 
that it was also easier to teach French than to 
learn it. 

A testimonial from me could have but very 
little value ; still, the poor boy had to add to his 
experiences that it was easier to ask for one than 
to obtain it. 



John Bull, Jr. 125 

Some old pupils approach you with a patron- 
izing " How de do ? " 

When asked by a friend who it was they had 
spoken to, they replied : 

" Oh ! that's What-d'ye-call-him, the French 
master — a rather nice fellow, you know." 

This was an excuse for condescending to speak 
to him. 

They were under him for ten years only, and 
they could hardly be expected to remember his 
name. 



126 John Bull) Jr. 



XIII. 

Debating Societies. —A Discussion on the Pernicious 
Use of Tobacco. — School Magazines in France and 
England. — A Business-like Little Briton. — An Im- 
portant Resolution Passed Unanimously. — I Perform 
an Englishman's Duty. 

Like their seniors in Great Britain, English boys 
have a little weakness for airing their virtuous 
sentiments in public, and the school debating 
societies offer them ample opportunity of giving 
them full play. 

I was once present at a debate on " The Use of 
Tobacco." Forty young fellows from seventeen 
to nineteen years of age took part in it. I never 
was so edified in my life. The dear boys beat 
Alphonse Karr in their diatribes against the use 
of tobacco. 

" Of course," remarked one member, " it is 
somewhat pretentious of me to speak of tobacco, 
as, I am happy to say, I have no experience of 
it. But I have read a great deal on the subject, 
and all our scientific men are unanimous in con- 
demning the use of this baneful plant." 



John Bull, Jr. 127 

" The Use of Tobacco " was condemned by a 
show of hands, nem. con. 

It would be wicked to suppose that any 
member had a little book of " Persian Rice " 
paper, and half an ounce of " Straight Cut " in his 
pocket, wouldn't it ? 

Our school magazine, edited by the boys, is a 
well-conducted and interesting record of school 
events. I can never look at it, printed as it is 
on beautiful paper, without going back to my 
school-days in France. We had a magazine of 
our own, too, but we had to write out two copies 
of each issue ourselves, and keep them locked in 
our desks. If we were caught reading them they 
were confiscated, and we were punished. In 
English public schools the masters subscribe, and 
not uncommonly write, for the magazine. The 
result is that, in England, the periodical is made 
up of wholesome literary essays, poetry, school 
news and anecdotes, reports of athletic and other 
meetings, etc., whereas, in France, it mainly con- 
sists of satires against the college and caricatures 
of the masters. 

In a small private preparatory school where I 
attended for a short time, the little boys (four- 



128 John Bull y Jr. 

teen in number) one day resolved to start a mag- 
azine. I was asked to preside at the meeting. 
Of course a printed paper was out of the ques-. 
tion, and it was decided at the meeting that each 
of the boys would write it out in turn. Pres- 
ently a true-born little Briton proposed that an 
annual dinner, in connection with the paper, 
should take place. As it was doubtful whether 
the magazine would enjoy life very long, an 
amendment, moved by another business-like 
member, was seized by the forelock, to the effect 
that the annual dinner should take place at once, 
and was passed unanimously. The discussion of 
the menu was then entered into, strong prefer- 
ence being manifested for tarts and cream and 
doughnuts. I most solemnly signed the minute 
of the previous meeting, and retired with the 
feeling that I had performed the work of a good 
British citizen. 



John Bull % Jr. 129 



XIV. 

Home, Sweet Home I — Boys' Opinion of the Seaside.— 
French and English Beaches.— Who is He at Home ? 
What was His Grandfather ? — Remarks on Swag- 
gering.— " I Thought He was a Gentleman." 

I should like to echo the sentiments of many 
schoolboys on the subject of the place chosen by 
their parents for their Midsummer holidays. 

As a rule, parents think themselves in duty- 
bound to take their boys to the seaside for these 
holidays. 

In the case of people occupying " desirable " 
residences in London, this is sensible enough. 

But boys who live in the country generally re- 
gret to hear that they will not be allowed to spend 
most of the holiday-time at home, in the midst 
of all their own belongings. They would pre- 
fer building houses for their rabbits, enjoying the 
favorite walks of their childhood ; rowing on the 
neighboring river with their friends, even if they 
have to put up, in the evening, with the incon- 
venience of having to hear their sisters play the 
piano — a kind of inconvenience to which we are 
all subject nowadays. 



130 John Bull y Jr. 

But no ; they are packed off to lodgings at the 
seaside ; and they think that the sight of the sea 
and a few fishing-boats do not make up for rick- 
ety chairs, springless sofas, empty rooms, cheer- 
less walls, beds stuffed with pebbles from the 
beach, and the loss of all home comforts and 
associations. 






If, as is the case in France, these boys were 
allowed to mix with those they meet on the 
beach, and get up parties with them, life might 
be made supportable; but, obliged as they are 
to keep to themselves, or to the company of 
their brothers and sisters (some have none), they 
think it was not necessary to come so far in 
search of boredom. 






French and English beaches illustrate best to 
my mind the way in which the two nations take 
their pleasures. 

The French seem to set out for their holiday 
with a thorough determination to enjoy them- 
selves. When they go to the seaside they go 
there on pleasure bound. 

On French beaches every body makes acquaint- 
ance ; the children play together under the eyes 



John Bull, Jr. 131 

of happy papas and mammas, the grown-up ones 
go out in large parties bathing, boating, and 
fishing ; and in the evening all meet at the Ca- 
sino, where there are ball-rooms, concert-rooms, 
reading and smoking rooms, etc. No doubt 
many of the people you mix with there are not 
such as you would wish to invite to your house on 
a visit, but, the season over, these friends of a 
day are forgotten, and there remains the benefit 
to health and spirits from a thorough merry 
time. 

In the English seaside resort, every bather 
looks askance at his fellow. 

"Who is he at home ?" or " What was his 
grandfather ?" are questions that he must get 
satisfactorily answered before he associates with 
him ; and rather than run the risk of frequenting 
the company of persons of inferior blood he is 
often bored to death with the monotony of the 
life, and is glad when it is time to take the chil- 
dren back to school or his own occupations call 
him away from the sea. 

Dear British parents, if you have a garden and 
fields near your house, and you would like to 
make your boys happy, call them home for the 
holidays. 

* * 

Apart from the aristocracy, it has always been 



132 John Bull, Jr. 

a subject of wonder to me that caste should be so 
strong among the middle classes, in a country 
like England, who owes her greatness to her com- 
mercial and adventurous spirit. 

In France, what is required of a gentleman is 
high education and refined nanners. A peas- 
ant's son possessing these is received in any 
society. 

In England, boys begin swaggering about their 
social position as soon as they leave the nursery, 
and if you would have some fun, you should fol- 
low groups of public school-boys in the play- 
ground or on their way home. 

Of course, in public schools, the occupation of 
parents cannot be an objection to their sons' 
admission, and in your class-room you may have 
dukes' and saloon-keepers' sons sitting on the same 
form. These are treated on an equal footing ; 
although I believe the head-master of a working 
public school would prefer the hangman's son, 
if a clever lad, to the son of a duke, if he were 
a fool. 

Yes, those groups will afford you a great deal 
of amusement. 

Here are the sons of professional men, of offi- 
cers, clergymen, barristers. See them pointing 
out other boys passing : " Sons of merchants, 
don't you know!" 

These are not without their revenge, as they 



John Bull y Jr. 133 

look at a group close by : " Sons of clerks, you 
know ! " 

But you should see the contemptuous glance 
of the latter as they pass the sons of shopkeepers: 
" Tradespeople's sons, I believe ! " 

* * 

Here is a little sample conversation I caught 
as I passed two boys watching a game of cricket 
in the playground. 

" Clever chap, So-and-So ! " said one. 

" And a nice fellow too, isn't he ? " said the 
other. 

" By-the-bye, did you know his father was a 
chemist ? " 

" A chemist ! No ! " exclaimed the dear boy 
in a subdued tone, as if the news had taken his 
breath away. " A chemist ! you don't mean to 
say so. What mistakes we are liable to make, 
to be sure ! I always thought he was a gentle- 
man." 



134 John Bully Jr. 



XV. 

He can not Speak French, but he can Read it, you 
know. — He has a try at it in Paris. — Nasal Sounds 
and Accented Syllables. — How I Reduced English 
Words to Single Syllables, and was Successful in 
the Object i had in View.— A Remark on the Connec- 
tion of Words. 

When you ask an Englishman whether he can 
speak French, he generally answers : 

" I can read it, you know." 

" Aloud ! " you inquire, with a significant 
smile. 

" Well," he says, " I have never had much 
practice in reading French aloud. I mean to say 
that I can understand what I read. Of course, 
now and then I come across a word that I am 
not quite sure about, but I can get on, you 
know/' 

" I suppose you manage to make yourself 
understood in France." 

" Oh ! very little French is required for that ; 
I always go to the English hotels." 

He always does so on the Continent, because 
these hotels are the only ones that can provide 
him with English comfort. 



John Bully Jr. 135 

When he starts for Paris he gets on capitally 
till he reaches Calais. There he assumes his in- 
sular stiffness, which we Continental people take 
for arrogance, but is, in reality, only dignified 
timidity. 

Arrived at the Gare du Nord, he takes a cab 
and goes to one of the hotels in the Rue Saint 
Honore or the Rue de Rivoli. 

The first time he reached one of these estab- 
lishments, he tripped on getting out of his cab, 
and fell on the pavement. The porter helped 
him up and asked him : 

" Avez-vous du mal, monsieur ? " 

He thought the porter took him for a French- 
man, and he prepared to answer in French. Be- 
lieving he was asked if " he had two trunks," he 
answers : 

" No, only a portmanteau." 

After this first success, he thought he would 
air his French. 

" Gaar$on /" he calls ; " faifaim" 

He pronounces this quite perfectly, so perfectly 
that the waiter, understanding that he is married, 
informs him that he can have apartments ready 
for Madame. 

" He is obstinate and will have another shot : 

" Je suis fameux, gaargon I " 

The waiter bows respectfully. 

This won't do, dear fellow; try again. 

" Je suis fe7nme ! " he yells. 



136 John Bull y Jr. 

This staggers the waiter. 

It is time to inquire of him if he speaks Eng- 
lish. 

" Can you speak English? " 

" Oh yes, sir." 

Our traveler is all right again, but he thinks 
that those confounded French people have a 
queer manner of pronouncing their own lan- 
guage. 

* 
* * 

With the exception of our nasal sounds, which 
I know are stumbling-blocks to Englishmen — 
who will always insist on calling our great music 
composer and pianist Saint-Saens, " Sang Songs " 
— I never could understand that the difficulty 
of our pronunciation was insuperable. Our 
vowels are bold, well-marked, always sounded 
the same, and, except u, like the English vowels, 
or so nearly like them that they can not prevent 
an Englishman from understanding French and 
speaking it. 

The greatest mistake he makes is in not bear- 
ing in mind that the accent should always be laid 
on the last syllable, or on the last but one if the 
word ends in e mute. How much easier this is 
to remember than the place of the English ac- 
cented syllable, which varies constantly ! In 
admirable ', you have it on the first ; in admire* 



John Bull, Jr. 137 

on the second ; in admiration, on the third. On 
the contrary, no difficulty about the pronuncia- 
tion of the three French words, admirable, ad- 
mirer, and admiration ; the tonic accent falls on 
the last sound syllable in every case. 



* 



The less educated a man is the more stress he 
lays on the accented syllables ; and you find 
the lower classes of a country lay such emphasis 
on these syllables that they almost pronounce 
nothing else. Being unable to make myself un- 
derstood when pronouncing whole English words, 
I have often tried to use only the accented syl- 
lables when speaking to the lower class people of 
England; in every attempt I have been successful. 

I obtained a basket of strawberries in Coven t 
Garden Market by asking for a " baskof strawbs." 

A lower class Yankee will understand few 

Frenchmen who speak to him of America ; but 

he will understand them if they speak to him of 

Merk. 

* 
* * 

The greatest defect in an Englishman's pro- 
nunciation of French is generally in the wrong 
connection of words between which there is no 
pause. 



13 8 John Bull, Jr. 

The final consonant of a word, followed by 
another beginning with a vowel or h mute, should 
be pronounced as if it belonged to the latter 
word. An Englishman sounds ses amis as if it 
was seize amis. He should say : " se samis." 

" Mon ami est a Paris "==" Mo nami e ta Paris." 

Perhaps the following remark on the separation 
of syllables may fix the rule : 

The English say : mag~nan-im~ity. 

The French say : ma-gna-ni-mi-te. 

You see, dear reader, how difficult it is to re- 
frain from talking " shop," when one has been a 
schoolmaster. 



Jo hi Bull y Jr. 139 



XVI. 



Public School Scholarships and Exhibitions.— Grate- 
ful Parents. — Inquiring Mothers. — A Dear little 
Candidate. — Ladies' Testimonials.— A Science Master 
well Recommended. 



It seems strange that in a democratic country, 
overburdened with school-rates, free education 
should be offered in the public schools to the 
children of the well-to-do and even wealthy 
people. To give opportunities to those who 
have clever children and cannot afford to. pay 
for their education, such was the spirit which 
dictated the foundation of scholarships and 
exhibitions in the public schools, which schools 
are under the supervision of the Charity Com- 
missioners. 

The Charity Commissioners ! The organizers 
of that well-ordered British charity which begins 
at home ! 

But all this again does not concern me. If it 
did, I should say to gentlemen enjoying revenues 
of ^700, ;£8oo, and ^1,000 a year : " My dear 
sirs, you can afford to pay school fees for your 
children ; please to leave these scholarships to 
your less fortunate countrymen." 



140 John Bull y Jr. 

My diary contains a few recollections about 
foundation scholars and their parents which 
suggested the foregoing remarks to me. Pardon 
me for having given them a place here. 

I have always noticed that the parents of 
foundation scholars are much more troublesome 
and exacting than those who pay their twenty or 
thirty pounds a year to the school for their sons' 
tuition fees. 

The school is their property, the masters their 
servants, and when complaints are lodged with 
the authorities you may be sure they come from 
them. 

They imagine, for instance, that the school 
ought to provide the boys with books, and think 
it very hard that they should be called upon to 
pay for them. When their sons are ordered to 
get a new book, they generally take a fortnight 
to obtain it. 

" Where is your book ? " you say to a scholar 
you see looking at his neighbor's. 

" Please, sir, it has not come yet ; I have or- 
dered it at the stores." 

Two weeks later the book makes its appear- 
ance. 

When the boys raise subscriptions for their 
sports, which ought to be supported especially 



John Bull, Jr. 141 

by those who owe a debt of gratitude to the 
school, or for a testimonial got up in favor of a 
retiring master, or in memory of a celebrated old 
pupil, the few recalcitrants are invariably to be 
found among the free scholars. 

Our boys one day decided on founding a little 
literary society. As a few periodicals were to be 
bought and other little expenses incurred, their 
committee passed a resolution that an annual 
subscription of five shillings should be demanded 
of the members. 

A father immediately wrote to the young pres- 
ident of the new society, asking if it was com- 
pulsory for his boy to join the society, as he did 
not see the force of paying five shillings for what, 
he thought, his boy was entitled to enjoy for 
nothing. The paler received his due by return 
of post. The president of the society answered: 

"Dear Sir: 

" Your son is not at all compelled to join 
our society. The subscription of five shillings 
was decided upon simply to keep our meetings 
select." 

* 

The Englishman has a supreme contempt for 



142 John Bull, Jr. • 

what is cheap. It is in his nature. He cannot 
understand that there is any value in what he has 
not to pay for. 

I cannot forget the time when a young lunatic 
hanged himself at Christ's Hospital, and the 
plethora of letters that were sent to the papers by 
parents who seemed to be anxious to seize the 
opportunity of trying to bring discredit on that 
splendidly conducted school, one of the most 
interesting philanthropic institutions in England. 

A father, sheltering himself behind a pseu- 
donym, went the length of writing to the Daily 
News to say that he had had three sons 
educated at Christ's Hospital, but that he 
thanked God he had not any more to send 
there. 

The Governors of Christ's Hospital spend £60 
a year upon each blue-coat boy. The three sons 
of this " indignant " father therefore cost the 
Hospital something like ^2,000. 

What respect this man would have felt for the 
school if the money had been drawn out of his 
own pocket in the shape of capitation fees ! 

The following conversation once took place 
between a lady and the head master of a great 
public school : 

" I have a little boy eleven years old," said 



John Bull, Jr. 143 

the lady, " whom my husband is anxious to have 
educated here. He is a very clever little fellow. 
We have heard that, on leaving the school to go 
to one of the two great universities, some boys 
received exhibitions varying in value from ^80 
to ;£ioo a year for four years. Do you think, 
sir, that our son would get one, for the probabil- 
ity of his obtaining such an exhibition would be 
a great inducement to us to trust the boy to your 
care ? " 

"Well," replied the head-master, with great 
command over his countenance, " I am afraid I 
cannot commit myself to any such promise." 

The lady retired. Her promising son was 
probably sent to a more accommodating school. 

The same head-master once received the visit 
of a man who asked him point-blank if the schol- 
arship examinations were conducted honestly, 
or, in other words, if the scholarships were given 
according to merit. 

From the answer he received he deemed it ex- 
pedient to beat a speedy retreat. 

When a school has to offer, say, six scholar- 
ships to the public, and there are a hundred 



144 John Bull, Jr. 

candidates applying for them, you may easily 
imagine that it is difficult to persuade the parents 
of the ninety-four boys who fail that the schol- 
arships are given according to merit. 

In distributing six scholarships among a hun- 
dred candidates you make six ungrateful fathers 
and ninety-four discontented ones. 

Whilst our school was being rebuilt in another 
part of the metropolis, a loving mother called on 
the head-master in the City to intimate her in- 
tention of placing her little boy in the school as 
soon as the new building would be finished, and 
also to ask if she would be allowed to see the 
room in which her dear child would be taught. 

It was a great pity the building was not ad- 
vanced enough at the time to permit of her secur- 
ing a corner for u her darling pet." 

The mother to be most dreaded is the one 
whose husband has left her for India, or some 
other warm climate. She is restless, inquisitive, 
and never satisfied. Each remark you make to 
her son brings her on the school premises for in- 
quiries. She writes letter upon letter, pays visit 
upon visit. 



John Bull, Jr. 145 

Once a week her son brings you a little note 
in the following style : 

" Mrs. X. presents her compliments to Mr. 
So-and-so, and begs that her son may be excused 
for not having prepared his lesson, as he had a 
bad headache last night." 

A husband may be a nuisance in a house, but 
when I was a schoolmaster I always thought he 
was a great improvement to it. 

(/;/ the Examination Room?) 

Sometimes parents send up their sons for 
scholarship examinations with very little lug- 
gage. 

I remember a dear little boy, between ten and 
eleven, who was a candidate for one of our va- 
cant scholarships. 

On reaching the seat that was assigned to him, 
he was provided with the Latin paper by the 
school secretary, and presented with half a ream 
of beautiful writing paper for his answers. 

We thought he did not appear very busy, and 
presently, as I came up to him, I spoke a few 
kind words and gave him a little pat on the 
back. 

" Well, how are you getting on ? " I said. 

" Please, sir, I can't do this paper. I don't 



146 John Bull y Jr. 

know what it is about," he said, looking at me 
as if for help. 

" Don't you know any Latin ? " I inquired. 

" Yes, sir ; I know my first two declensions." 

" Is that all the Latin you know ? " 

" Yes, sir." 

" I suppose you won't take up Greek, will 
you ? " 

" I expect I had better not, sir, as I have 
never learned any," he replied, with his eyes half 
out of their sockets. " Is it difficult, ? sir" he 
suggested, thinking I was not looking satisfied 
with his answer. 

" Not very," I replied ; "but if I were you I 
would not have my first try at it to-day." 

" Thank you, sir," said my little friend. 

" Do you know any French ? " I then asked. 

" Please, sir, mamma taught me a few sen- 
tences." 

" Well, let me hear." 

" Please, sir, I know Quelle heure est-il ? and 
Comment vous portez-vous ? " 

" Any grammar ? " 

" No, sir." 

"Don't you know the French for / shall 
have?" 

" No, sir, I don't think I do." 

" Do you know any mathematics ? " 

" Do you mean arithmetic, sir ? " 

" Yes, I do." 



John Bull, Jr. 147 

" Please, sir, I can do addition, subtraction, 
multiplication, and short division." 

"I suppose you will try the English subjects. 
Do you know any English ? " 

"Yes, sir, I can speak English," he said, look- 
ing at me with surprise. 

"Of course you can," I replied; "but you 
know some history, I suppose. Have you ever 
read any English history ? " 

" Yes, sir, I have read ' Robinson Crusoe.'" 

"Well, well, my poor boy, I am afraid you 
have not much chance of getting a scholarship." 

"Haven't I?" said the dear child, and he 
burst into tears. Then he handed me a letter, 
which was addressed to the head-master. 

It was a supplication from his mother. Her 
little boy was very clever, she said, and she hoped 
he would not be judged by what he actually knew, 
but by what she was sure he would be able to learn 
if admitted into the school. 

Poor child ! we comforted him as well as we 
could, and sent him back to his mamma. He 
was very miserable. 



Ladies are sometimes great at testimonials, 
and they must think it very ungentlemanly of 
men not to favor their candidates. 

When our head science mastership was vacant, 
over a hundred applications were lodged with 



148 John Bull, Jr. 

the head-master for his consideration. I remem- 
ber that among the candidates there was one 
who was only provided with a single testimonial, 
and this from a lady (an old lady, I imagine). 
The testimonial was to the effect that "she had 
known Mr. P. for many years. He was a good 
and steady young man, and she knew he was 
very fond of science." 

This testimonial failed to secure the appoint- 
ment for its owner. 



John Bull, Jr. 149 



XVII. 

The Origin of Anglomania and Anglophobia in Eng- 
land.— A Typical Frenchman.— Too Much of an 
Englishman. — A Remarkable French Master. — John 
Bull made to go to Church by a Frenchman. — A 
Noble and Thankless Career. — A Place of Learning. 
— Mons. and Esquire. — All Ladies and Gentlemen. — 
One Exception. — Wonderful Addresses. 

The French in England are of two sorts, those 
who, by their intelligence, industry, and per- 
severance, have succeeded in building up an 
honorable position for themselves, and those 
who, by the lack of these qualities, vegetate there 
as they would be pretty sure to do anywhere. 

The former do not all love the land of their 
adoption, but they all respect it. The latter, 
unwilling to lay their poverty at their own door, 
throw the blame upon England for not having 
understood them, and they have not a good 
word to say for her. It never occurred to them 
that it was theirs to study and understand Eng- 
land, and that England is not to be blamed for 
not having studied them and changed her ways 
to accommodate them. 



1 50 John Bull, Jr. 

They never part with a shilling without re- 
marking that for a penny they would be able to 
obtain the same value in France. You often 
wonder how it is they stick to this country in- 
stead of honoring their own with their presence. 

* * 

I have always been an admirer of that worthy 
Frenchman who carries his patriotism to the 
extent of buying all his clothing in France. He 
declares it impossible to wear English garments, 
and almost impossible to wear out French ones. 
Besides, he does not see why he should not give 
his country the benefit of some of the guineas he 
has picked up over here. Like every child of 
France, he has the love of good linen, and 
according to him the article is only to be found 
in Paris. 

So he goes about in his narrow-brimmed hat, 
and turned-down collar fastened low in the neck, 
and finished off with a tiny black tie, a large 
expanse of shirt-front, and boots with high heels 
and pointed toes. As he goes along the street, 
he hears people whisper : " There's a French- 
man ! " But, far from objecting to that, he 
rather likes it, and he is right. 

He speaks bad English, and assures you that 
you require very few words to make yourself 
understood of the people. He does not go so 



John Bull, Jr. 151 

far as Figaro, but his English vocabulary is of 
the most limited. 

Without making any noise about it, he sends 
his guinea to all the French Benevolent Societies 
in England, and wherever the tricolor floats he 
is of the party. 

He likes the English, and recognizes their 
solid qualities ; but as he possesses many of his 
own, he keeps to his native stock. 

* * 

How this good Frenchman does shine by the 
side of another type, a type which, I am happy 
to say, is rare — the one who drops his country. 

The latter, when he speaks of England, says : 
" We do this, we do that, in England," not "The 
English do this, the English do that." He would 
like to say, "We English," but he hardly dares 
go that length. 

He dresses h Vanglaise with a vengeance, 
makes it a point to frequent only English houses, 
and spends a good deal of his time in running 
down his compatriots. 

He does not belong to any of the French 
societies or clubs in England. These establish- 
ments, however, do not miss him much more 
than his own country. 

I once knew one of this category. His name 
ended with an e mute preceded by a double con- 



152 John Bull, Jr* 

sonant. The e mute was a real sore to him, the 
grief of his life. Without it he might have 
passed for English. It was too provoking to be 
thus balked, and, as he signed his name, he would 
dissimulate the poor offending little vowel, so 
that his name should appear to end at the double 
consonant. 

He was not a genius. 

* 
* * 

Acting under the theory of Figaro, " QuHl 
nest pas necessaire de tenir les choses pour en 
raisonner" I have heard an Englishman, engaged 
in teaching French, maintain that it was not 
necessary to be able to speak the French language 
to teach it. 

On the other hand, I once heard an eminent 
Frenchman hold that the less English a French 
master knew the more fit he was to teach French. 

Both gentlemen begged their audience to 
understand that they made their statements on 
their own sole responsibility. 



I never met a French master who had made 
his fortune, nor have you, I imagine. 

I once met in England a French master who 
had not written a French grammar. 



John Bull, Jr. 153 

I was one day introduced to a Frenchman who 
keeps a successful school in the Midland coun- 
ties. He makes it a rule to sternly refuse to let 
his boys go home in the neighboring town 
before one o'clock on Sundays. When parents 
ask him as a special favor to allow their sons to 
come to their house on Saturday night or early 
on Sunday morning, he answers : " I am sorry I 
cannot comply with your request. It has come 
to my knowledge that there are parents who do 
not insist on their children going to church, and 
I cannot allow any of my pupils to go home 
before they have attended divine service." 

Johu Bull made to go to church by a French- 
man ! The idea was novel, and I thought ex- 
tremely funny. 

To teach " the art of speaking and writing the 
French language correctly " is a noble but thank- 
less career in England. 

In France, the Government grants a pension 
to, and even confers the Legion of Honor upon, 
an English master* after he has taught his lan- 
guage in a lycee for a certain niynber of years. 

* Among the nominations in the Legion of Honor, 
published on the 14th of July, 1884, I noticed the name of 
the English master (an Englishman) in the lycee of Bor- 
deaux. 



154 John Bull, Jr. 

The Frenchman who has taught French in 
England all his lifetime is allowed, when he is 
done for, to apply at the French Benevolent So- 
ciety for a free passage to France, where he may 
go and die quietly out of sight. 

* * 

If you look at the advertisements published 
daily in the " educational " columns of the 
papers, you may see that compatriots of mine 
give private lessons in French at a shilling an 
hour, and teach the whole language in 24 or 26 
lessons. Why not 25 ? I always thought there 
must be something cabalistic about the number 
26. These gentlemen have to wear black coats 
and chimney-pots. How can they do it if their 
wives do not take in mangling ? 

Mystery. 

In a southern suburb of London, I remember 
seeing a little house covered, like a booth at a 
fair, with boards and announcements that spoke 
to the passer-by of all the wonders to be found 
within. 

On the front-door there was a plate with the 
inscription : . 

" Mons. D., of the University of France." 

Now Englishmen who address Frenchmen as 



John Bull, Jr. 155 

"Mons."* should be forgiven. They unsuccess- 
fully aim at doing a correct thing. But a French- 
man dubbing himself "Mons." publishes a certi- 
ficate of his ignorance. 

The house was a double-fronted one. 

On the right window there was the inscription : 

" French Classes for Ladies." 
On the left one : 

"French Classes for Gentlemen." 

The sexes were separated as at the Turkish 
Baths. 

On a huge board, placed over the front door, I 
read the following : 

"French Classes for Ladies and Gentle men. 
Greek, Latin, and Mathematical Classes. 
Art and Science Department. 
Music, Singing, and Dancing taught. 
Private Lessons given, Families waited upon. 
Schools attended. 
For Terms and Curriculum, apply within'* 

What a saving of trouble and expense it would 
have been to this living encyclopaedia if he had 
only mentioned what he did not teach ! 



* " Mons., a familiar and contemptuous abbreviation 
of Monsieur." — Littre, " Dictioimaire de la Langue 
Fnncaise."' 



156 John Bull, Jr. 

Since I have called your attention to the ex- 
pression Mons., and reminded you of its proper 
meaning, never send a letter to a Frenchman 
with the envelope addressed as Moris. 

I know, dear American reader, that you never 
do. But you have friends. Well, tell them to 
write Monsieur in full ; or, as cobblers in their 
back parlors are now addressed as Esquires, 
rather confer the same honor upon a Frenchman. 
He will take it as a compliment. 

Democracy is making progress in England. 
Where is the time when only land- owners, bar- 
risters, graduates of the Universities, were 
addressed as Esquires? 

All ladies and gentlemen in England now. 



Not all, though. 

A young lady friend, who visits the poor in 
her district, called one day at a humble dwell- 
ing. 

She knocked at the door, and on a woman 
opening it, asked to see Mrs. . 

" Oh ! very well," said the woman, and, leav- 
ing the young lady in the street, she went inside, 
and called out at the top of her voice : 

" Ada, tell the lady on the second floor that a 
young person from the district wants to see her." 



John Bull, Jr. 157 

Apropos of " Esquire " I should like to take the 
opportunity of paying a well-deserved compliment 
to the Postal Authorities in England. 

Some eight years ago, I lived in the Herbert 
Road, Shooter's Hill, near London. 

After three weeks of wonderful peregrinations, 
a letter, addressed in the following manner, duly 
reached me from France : 



Angleterre Esquire 

Monsieur 

Erbet Villa 

pres Londres. 



My dear compatriot had heard that " Esquire " 
had to be put somewhere, or else the letter would 
not reach me. 



* 
* * 



This is not the only letter addressed to me 
calculated to puzzle the postman. 

A letter was once brought to me with the fol- 
lowing high-flown inscription : 



158 John Bull, Jr. 

" Al gentilissimo cavaliere professore 
Signor " 

But what is even this, compared to the one I 
received from a worthy Bulgarian, and which 
was addressed to 

" Monsieur 

Metropolitain de Saint Paul." 

I was at the time teaching under the shadow 
of London's great cathedral. 



John Bull, Jr. 159 



XVIII. 

The Way to Learn Modern Languages. 

I have always felt a great deal of sympathy, 
and even respect, for that good, honest, straight- 
forward young British boy who does not easily 
understand that in French " a musical friend " 
is not necessarily un ai?ii a musique, nor " to sit 
on the committee, " sasseoir sur le comite, unless 
the context indicates that it is the painful opera- 
tion which is meant. Poor boy ! For him a 
foreign language is only his own, with another 
vocabulary ; and so, when he does a piece of 
translation, he carefully replaces on his paper 
each word of his English text by one of the 
equivalents that he finds for it in his dictionary, 
rarely failing to choose the wrong one, as I have 
already said. Now comes que. Shall he put 
the subjunctive or the indicative ? He has learnt 
his grammar : he could, if occasion required, 
recite the rules that apply to the employment of 
the terrible subjunctive mood. He has even, 
once or twice in his life, written an exercise on 



160 John Bull, Jr. 

the subject, and as it was headed " Exercise on 
the Subjunctive Mood," he went through it with 
calm confidence, putting all the verbs . in the 
subjunctive, including those that it would have 
been advisable to put in the indicative. This 
done, he was not supposed to commit any more 
mistakes on this important point of grammar. 
He might as well be expected to be an experienced 
swimmer after once reading Captain Webb's 
" Art of Swimming," and going through the 
various evolutions indicated in the pamphlet, a 
sec on the floor of his papa's parlor. 

I admit that the French teacher of a public 
school ought to be a good philologist to make 
his lessons attractive to the students of the up- 
per forms, and insure their success under exam- 
ination ; I admit that he should know English 
thoroughly, to be able to explain to them the 
delicacies of the French language, and maintain 
good discipline in his classes ; I admit that he 
should be able to teach grammar, philology, his- 
tory, literature ; but I maintain that he ought 
never to lose sight of the most important object 
of the study of a living language, — the putting of 
it into practice ; he should, above all things, and 
by all means, aim at making his pupils speak 
French. It is not enough that he should speak 
to them in French, even in the upper forms, 
where he would be perfectly understood : under- 
standing a language and speaking it are two very 



John Bull, Jr. 161 

different things. Neither will he attain his end 
by means of dull manuals of imaginary conver- 
sations with the butcher, the baker, and the can- 
dlestick-maker ; these will, at most, be useful in 
helping a foreigner to ask for what he wants at 
a table d'hote. You will not get grown-up, intel- 
ligent, and well-educated boys to come out of 
their shells, unless you make it worth their while. 
Now, Englishmen, like Americans, love argu- 
ment, very often for argument's sake, and every 
school-boy, in England as in America, is a mem- 
ber of some society or committee, and at its 
meetings tries his wings, discusses, harangues, 
and prepares himself for that great parliament- 
ary life, which is the strength of the nation. 

Then, I ask, why not turn this love of discus- 
sion to account ? 

Start a French debating society in every 
school, and you will teach your generation to 
speak French. Such a proposition may sound 
bold, but it has been tried in several public 
schools, and has proved a complete success. 

What cannot a teacher do that has succeeded 
in winning the esteem and affection of his pupils ? 
First, make them respect you, then gain their 
hearts, and you will lead the young by a thread, 

Take twenty or thirty boys, old enough to ap- 
preciate the interest you feel in them, and say to 
them, " My young friends, let us arrange to meet 
once a week, and see if we cannot speak French 



1 62 John Bull y Jr. 

together. We will chat about any thing you like : 
politics even. Do not be afraid to open your 
lips, it is only la premiere phrase qui coute. I am 
neither a Pecksniff nor a pedant, a dotard nor 
a wet blanket ; in your company, I feel as young 
as the youngest among you. Do not imagine 
that I shall bring you up for the slightest error 
of pronunciation you make. I remember the 
time when I murdered your language, and I 
should be sorry to cast the first stone at you. 
At first I shall only correct your glaring mistakes ; 
by degrees, you will make fewer and fewer, al- 
though, alas ! you will very likely always make 
some. What does it matter ? I guarantee that 
in a few months you will be able to understand 
all that is said to you in French, and express in- 
telligibly in the same language any idea that 
may pass through your brain." 

These little French parliaments work admira- 
bly ; the earliest were started in two or three 
English schools four or five years ago. Each 
has its president — the head French teacher of 
the school, its honorary and assistant secre- 
taries, and, if you please, its treasurer, who sup- 
plies the members with two or three good French 
papers, and, when the finances of the society 
permit, provides the means of giving a soiree 
litteraire. I have seen the minute-book of one 
of these interesting associations. Since its for- 
mation, this particular debating society has 



John Bull, Jr. 163 

altered the whole map of Europe, greatly to the 
advantage of the United Kingdom. The young 
debaters have upset any number of governments, 
at home and abroad, done away with women's 
rights, and declared, by a crushing majority, 
that ladies who can make good puddings are far 
more useful members of society than those who 
can make good speeches. Young British boys 
have very strong sentiments against women's 
rights. In literature, the respective merits of 
the Classicists and the Romanticists have been 
discussed, and the " three unities " declared 
absurd and tyrannical by these young champions 
of freedom. 

The speakers are not allowed to read their 
speeches, but may use notes for reference, and 
I notice that speakers, who at first only ventured 
short remarks, soon grew bold enough to hold 
forth for ten minutes at a time. In many in- 
stances, the president has had to adjourn a de- 
bate to the next meeting, on account of the num- 
ber of orators wishing to take part in it. These 
minutes, written in very good French indeed, do 
great credit to the young secretary who enters 
them. I have myself been present at meetings 
of these societies, and I assure you that if you 
could see these young fellows rise from their 
seats, and, bowing respectfully to the president, 
say to him: "Monsieur le President, je demande 
la parole^ you would agree with me that, so far 



164 John Bull, Jr. 

as good order, perfect courtesy, and unlimited 
respect for opposite views are concerned, these 
small gatherings would compare favorably with 
the meetings of honorables and even right-hon- 
orables that are held at the Capitol, the West- 
minster Palace, and the Palais Boitrbon. 

It is clear to my mind that, by such means, 
English boys can be made to speak French in the 
most interesting manner, and the one best suited 
to their taste. I firmly believe that if the great 
schools, public or private, were to start similar 
societies, that if all the young men knowing a 
little French were to form in their districts, such 
associations under the leadership of able and 
cheerful Frenchmen, England, or America for 
that matter, would in a few years, have a gener- 
ation of French-speaking men. 

I have always been at a loss to understand how 
boys who have been studying a language for nine 
or ten years should leave school perfectly un- 
able to converse intelligibly in that language for 
five minutes together. It seems nothing short of 
scandalous. 

Yet the reason is not far to be found. In En- 
gland, at any rate, modern languages are taught 
like dead languages : they are taught through 
the eyes, whereas they should be taught through 
the ears and mouth. 

The French debating society seems to me the 
best mode of solving the difficulty. I have often 



John Bull, Jt\ 165 

given this piece of advice to John Bull, and I 
myself founded a successful French debating so- 
ciety in England. Let Jonathan forgive my pre- 
sumption if I avail myself of his kind and gener- 
ous hospitality to give him the same advice. 



i.66 John Bull, Jr. 



XIX. 

English and French Schoolboys.— Their Characteris- 
tics.— The Qualities of the English School-boy. — 
What is Required of a Master to Win. 

I have often been asked the question, " Are En- 
glish boys better or worse than French ones ? " 

Well, I believe the genus boy to be pretty much 
the same all the world over. Their characteris- 
tics do not show in the same way, because edu- 
cational systems are different. 

Both English and French boys are particu- 
larly keen in finding out the peculiarities of a 
master, and taking his measure. 

They are both inclined to bestow their affec- 
tion and respect on the man who is possessed of 
moral and intellectual power ; it is in their na- 
ture to love and respect what is powerful, lofty, 
and good. 

Boys are what masters make them. 

Both English and French boys are lazy if you 
give them a chance ; both are industrious if you 
give them inducements to work. They will not 
come out of their shells unless you make it worth 
their while. 



John Bull, Jr. 167 

Both are as fond of holidays as any school- 
master alive. 



* * 

French boys are more united among them- 
selves, because their life would be intolerable if 
close friendship did not spring up between them, 
and help them to endure a secluded time of 
hardship and privations. 

English boys are prouder, because they are 
freer. Their pride is born of liberty itself. 

The former work more, the latter play more. 

But comparisons are odious, especially when 
made between characters studied under such 
different circumstances. 

* * 

What I can affirm is that a Frenchman need 
not fear that English boys (such as I have known 
at any rate) will take advantage of his shortcom- 
ings as regards his pronunciation of the English 
language to make his life uncomfortable. I have 
always found English boys charitable and gen- 
erous. 

A Frenchman will experience no difficulty in 
getting on with English schoolboys if his char- 
acter wins their respect, and his kindness their 



1 68 John Bull, Jr. 

affection ; if he sympathizes with them in their 
difficulties ; if he deals with them firmly, but 
always in a spirit of fair play, truth, and justice ; 
if he is 

" To their faults a little blind, 
And to their virtues very kind." 



THE END. 



Appendix. 



' Ladies and gentlemen, this is a joke."— (Mark Twain.) 



7. Appartement de gargon, " bachelor's quarters," not 
11 waiter's apartment." 

12. Fors Vhonneitr, "except honor" (a phrase used by 

Francis I. of France, when he announced his defeat 
at Paviato his mother). 

13. Gave dn Nor d, "Great Northern Railway Terminus," 

in Paris (celebrated for its Cloak Room, where, on his 
arrival from England, John Bull deposits his baggage 
of superfluous virtue). 

16. Tres bien, Monsieur, " Very well, sir." (I owe to the 
reader many apologies for translating such an idio- 
matic phrase as this.) 

19. Qui /rise ses cheveux et la cinquantaine, literally, 
11 Who curls her hair and fifty summers." (The word 
/riser means both " to curl " and " to border on." I 
hope the reader will see the joke.) 

21. Recherche', " refined. " 

22. Planche, " a plank." 



170 Appendix. 

PAGE. 
33. Allo?is me voila sauve, " Now I am saved. " 

41. Migraine, " Sick headache," an indisposition to which 
French ladies are subject, when they are reading a 
novel and do not wish to be disturbed by callers. 

48. Elle se retira "She retired to her room and 

prepared for bed. But who could sleep ? Sleep ! " 

48. Celui qui e'crit, literally " He who writes." 

49. Poitrine, " chest " (part of the body). Calegons (un- 

mentionables). 

49. 7/ feutra, il gaucha, formed from the nouns feutre 
("felt," material) and gauche (left," contrary of 
"right"). 

51. " Look at Pierrot hanging 

Because he did not restore the book ; 

If the book he had restored 

Pierrot wouldn't have been hanged." 

Fac-simile of John Bull, Junior's, Exercise. 

1. Europe is a part of the world. 

2. Asia is a part of the world. 

3. Africa is a part of the world. 

4. America is a part of the world. 

5. My father is in France. 

6. My cousin is in Germany. 

7. Your brother is in Dresden. 

8. Where is thy sister ? She is in Paris. 

54. Egal, "Equal." 

55. Savoir, " to know. " The future is je saurai. 

57. Vouloir, " to want." The future is je voudrai. 

63. Je serai, ' ' I shall be. " 
Je serais, " I should be." 



Appendix. 171 



PAGE. 

73. The feminine words respectively mean "trumpet," 
"medicine," "navy," " sculpture," whereas the mascu- 
line names respectively mean "trumpeter," " doctor," 
" sailor," " sculptor." This is an old examination 
question, a time-honored chestnut of the University of 
London. 

73. Restait cette redoutable infanterie. ..." There remained 

the redoubtable infantry of the Spanish army, whose 
big close battalions, like so many towers, but towers 
that could repair their own gaps, stood unshaken in the 
awful din of battle and fired from all parts " (with my 
apologies to the shade of Bossuet). 

74. La fille de feu " The daughter of my good and 

esteemed deceased cousin is always welcome. " 

74. Mon frh'e " My brother is wrong and my sister is 

right." 

74. Bile partit . ..." She left the following morning. " 

75. Diable! . . . " Good heavens ! the old man is capricious ! " 

76. Je laisse Renaud. ..." I leave Renaud in the gardens of 

Armida." (The worthy boy took Renaud for Renard, 
a fox — that's near enough.) 

76. Chaque age a ses plaisirs. " Each age has its pleasures." 

77. Les exploits d ''Hercule . . . . " The exploits of Hercules are 

mere play compared to." 

77. Monsieur, ne votes relournez pas. " Sir, do not look 

round." 

78. // raccommodait " He mended old shoes." 

78. Baissant les yeux, " Casting down her eyes." 
84. Di7nanche, ' ' Sunday. " 

84. Manche, near enough to manger (to eat) for Johnny. 

84. Cordon bleu, skilful cook. (Teetotalers in England wear 
blue ribbons, hence the boy's confusion.) 

89. Baccalaureat-es-sciences. degree of B. Sc. 



172 Appendix, 



PAGE. 

92. Avec de belles dents. . . . " With fine teeth'' never was a 

woman ugly." 

93. Arriver, naitre, ve?iir, sortir, partir, "to arrive," "to 

be born," " to come," " to go out," " to set out." 

120. Savate, boxing and kicking ; canne, cane (fencing ex- 
pression). 

134. Avez-vous du mal? "Are you hurt?" The English- 
man understands Avez-votis deux malles ? "Have 
you two trunks ? " 

134. Gargon, j^aifaim, "Waiter, I'm hungry." 

137. Ses amis, " his friends. " Seize amis, "sixteen friends." 

145. Quelle heure est-il? "What o'clock is it?" Comme?it 
vous portez-vous ? " How do you do ? " 

151. Qii'il rt est pas necessaire . ..." That it is not necessary 

to know any thing of a subject to speak on it." 

152. Lycee, " French public school." 

158. U?i a?ni a musique would mean a friend who could give 
off a tune by being pressed upo?i. 

162. Monsieur le President, je demande la parole, " Mr. 
President, I ask for the floor." 



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ENGLISH AS SHE IS 
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Genuine answers to Examination Questions in our Public Schools. 
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